


Spin, Six Seconds

by takhallus



Category: BBC Radio 1 RPF, One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anal Sex, Boys Kissing, Dildos, Domestic, M/M, Masturbation, Oral Sex, Spin the Bottle
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-03-17
Updated: 2017-06-01
Packaged: 2018-05-27 08:59:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 28,848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6278056
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/takhallus/pseuds/takhallus
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It takes a few drinks, an identity crisis, and an ill-advised game of Spin the Bottle for Louis to let Nick Grimshaw put his sexuality to the test.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Spin

Louis feels overdressed. Simon’s parties are usually swankier than this, but he realises now, too late, that this isn’t one of Simon’s showy offy industry shindigs. This is more intimate, he’s even walked the baby around a few times before bed. Louis had a hold, Simon telling him to ‘get practising’ before beginning to ramble about Louis not needing it, with Doris and Ernie being around. Christ, you know your life’s a bit fucked if Simon Cowell gets embarrassed talking about it. 

He came on his own thinking someone might be here that he knew, but he’s the only member of One Direction still in England, he thinks, and this is more of the TV crowd and Simon’s actual friends and family. Nick Grimshaw’s in a corner talking to Caroline Flack and Louis doesn’t want to interrupt, still feels intimidated by him, a bit. He’s a nice guy but Louis has also heard the barbs he comes out with sometimes and doesn’t want to be on the end of one of them. Nick would never slag him on the radio, not after the death threats from last time, but Louis secretly fears being dragged in private to the Primrose Hill set. 

He sips on his beer (Leffe, in a proper glass, a _snifter glass_ the barman had said) and catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror, looking lonely as fuck in his sharp blue suit. “Fuck this,” he mutters, striding over to where Nick and Caroline are. He’d rather be laughed at for being unwanted than for being lonely.

“Alright?” he offers, as Caroline leans in for a hug and Nick waits patiently for Louis to turn and look him in the eye. 

“Hello Louis Tomlinson of One Direction, didn’t expect to see you here.” His eyes are soft but Louis suddenly feels naked under them.

“Yeah well, we all drew straws for it. Who’s going to go and visit old Uncle Si at the nursing home.”

Nick laughs, a little nervously to Louis’ ears. “Apparently he boots everyone out at midnight Caroline was saying, is that when the nurses come to give him his bath?”

Louis chuckles back at him and glances at his watch. “Twenty minutes left then, I’m so glad I dressed up for the sake of three hours.”

“I mean, it did start at seven though. To be fair.”

Caroline waves Nick away. “Pop stars don’t go out before nine Grimmy, you should know that.”

“True. I’m normally in bed by then. It’s like a shift pattern, all the morning DJs go to bed and the pop stars get up.”

“Eh, I was up at six this morning actually.” He doesn’t mention that it was because he couldn’t sleep thinking about the baby. 

“Aw, were you listening to my show Louis?” Nick puts a hand on Louis’ shoulder, the beers shining in his eyes.

“Yeah absolutely, I texted in a few times but they didn’t get read out.”

“Oh that’s Fifi, she’s very discerning.” 

Louis glances around at the thinning crowd of revellers. ”So are you two going on somewhere else after this?” He instantly regrets asking, Christ, he sounds desperate. 

Caroline perks up. “Oh yeah! Grimmy, Louis’ got to come,” she turns to Louis, also grabbing his arm. “We’re going back to Grimmy’s, some of his mates are coming round for beers and pizza, will you come? Come on Louis it’ll be a laugh.”

She actually sounds convincing, but Louis wants to be invited by the host. “I’m sure Grimmy doesn’t want a boybander bringing down the cool factor in his flat, I bet my name’s not even down.”

“Oh please,” Grimmy scoffs, a little drop of his wine sloshing over the side of the glass. “As if they all won’t be mega impressed that one of One D is at my house, they’ll be all over you. Yeah, you should come, please, be your best mate if you come.”

Grimmy gives him the puppy dog eyes and Louis realises he’s a bit drunk. “Alright, if you insist. Shall I get my car or have you got one coming?”

“Get yours, yours’ll be nicer.” Grimmy necks his drink and Caroline smiles fondly at him. 

Louis dials for his car to come, actually quite keen to see the inside of Grimshaw’s flat. He says goodbye to Simon and a few others then waits by the front door as Caroline gets her coat. 

 

\-----

When they get to Nick’s, his friends are already there. Louis supposes one of them must have a key. No-one has a key to his place, not even his mum. 

Nick introduces Douglas Booth, who Louis recognises from a few things, Pixie Geldof, who Louis also has met once or twice at parties, and Jack and Rhea, who he feels like he will instantly forget. Rhea is sweet and blonde and pretty, sort of Louis’ type, but not tonight. Jack is classic handsome but also seems a bit dull. He has a couple of tattoos and dresses a bit like Olly Murs.

They all drink and make small talk for about two hours. Louis isn’t used to gatherings like this where conversation is the main attraction. If they were at Niall’s or Liam’s there’d be a game going of some sort. If they were at Zayn’s there’d be a film, and if they were at Louis’ or Harry’s there’d be music. Here there’s just...talking. He talks to Nick for a bit, then Caroline, then Douglas plants himself next to Louis and slaps him on the leg. “Hiya mate, I’m Douglas, nice to meet you.”

“Nice to meet you, how are you doing?” Louis easily slips into conversation mode, sinking back into Grimmy’s giant sofa and cradling a half empty bottle of Corona. They chat about Grimmy, about the X Factor, about Christmas coming up, it’s all very safe and interviewy. 

Douglas is pleasantly loud and posh and seems to have been quickly accepted into this group although he tells Louis he’s known Grimmy for less than a year. He gets up to get a drink for them both and Louis quickly checks his phone. 2am already. Suddenly Douglas shouts ‘Yes!’ and there’s delighted laughter from the girls. He barrels back into the centre of the room. 

“Pixie’s had the best idea, spin the bottle.”

“No.” Nick says, his eyes smiling. “No way.”

“Yes Grim!” Pixie pouts. “You love it, why not?”

Louis knows why not, because he’s there, that’s why. He’s the precious little popstar with the reputation for getting shirty about people saying he’s gay. He’s not fun and carefree and young anymore, he’s going to be a dad. Well, fuck that. Just for tonight. “Yeah Grim, why not?”

Nick looks bemused. “I - well it…”

“Well, er, it, well, erm…” Pixie mocks him. “Come on Grimmy, it’s only a laugh.”

Nick suddenly shrugs. “Okay, fine! Dougie, get the dice out of the kitchen draw.”

“What’s the dice for?” 

Nick looks at him, sheepishly. “You spin the bottle to see who you’re going to kiss, then you roll the dice for how long you kiss them.”

_Oh._

Louis thinks about possibly kissing someone for six seconds. That’s serious business, that’s a proper kiss. And now there’s no way out of it or he’ll look like a tit.

Caroline and Douglas come into the living room with a garishly painted wine bottle and a large, pink, plastic die. She steps barefoot over the people seated on the floor and puts the bottle on the carpet. “Here we go, let the love happen.”

“You’ve got a special bottle for this?” Louis smirks at Grimmy and drops down from the couch to sit on the floor with the others. Grimmy looks embarrassed. 

“Someone bought it for me, didn’t they Pix?”

“I made it! Excuse me, Grim, I made it for you specially.” She grins like a Cheshire cat and then leans back to beg Douglas to get her more wine. 

“This is a regular occurrence so he needs a full kit.” Jack comments with the smallest of smiles. Louis gets a vibe of him, like he’s jealous of him or something. He was the only one not to greet him when he arrived and all night all he’s done is drop little hints that there are in-jokes that Louis isn’t party to. Maybe he’s just one of those people who needs a while to warm up. Unlike the rest of them. He hopes beyond hope that he doesn’t have to kiss Jack.

“Come on, this is taking ages!” Caroline moans as Douglas shouts ‘alright, alright’, from the kitchen. He comes back with a full bottle of wine for Pixie and sits between her and Jack.

“Don’t we have to go boy girl?” Pixie asks, and Jack stands up to swap with Caroline.

“Oh sorry mate, I should have moved,” Douglas says, but Jack shrugs it off. 

Caroline sits down with her legs crossed and squeezes Louis’ knee. “Right, so we spin the bottle, then whoever it lands on it’s their turn, then they spin it again and they kiss who it lands on, but first they roll the dice to see how long they kiss for.” She’s a bit rambly due to being very drunk. In fact, Louis thinks he might be the most sober out of the lot of them. Except for Grimmy. He seems to have sobered up a lot in the last ten minutes. His smiles don’t reach his eyes and he looks a little bit uncomfortable, but he seems to be fooling everyone else.

“Right!” Pixie yells. “Let’s get started, Dougie, you’ve got the longest arms, spin the bottle to see who’s first.”

“Righto…” He reaches over and spins the bottle, which turns a full three times before landing back on him. “It’s me! Now what? Spin it again?”

“Yeah spin it again to see who you kiss,” Pixie jostles him. God they’re all so drunk.

He spins it too hard and the bottle hurtles round, finally coming to rest and pointing straight at Louis. 

“LOUIS!” Caroline whoops, and suddenly Dougie is crawling towards him as Pixie pulls him back and the rest of the group loses their minds.

“Not yet Dougie, you need to roll the dice.” Pixie barely gets her words out before collapsing into giggles.

“Yeah, someone’s a bit eager there, Booth!” Nick says, prompting the rest of them to burst into unbridled laughter as Douglas holds his head in his hands and Louis feels himself going red.

“Argh, oh God, leave me alone, I don’t know how to play this game.” He chuckles, grabbing the dice.

The rest of them chant “Six, Six, Six.” as Louis grins and tries to control his blushing by fervently wishing he was dead. 

“It’s a TWO you bastards. Right.” Douglas goes to crawl over again and Louis meets him half way, tilting his head to the right. Douglas has full lips which smoosh against Louis once, twice, then he pulls away. The girls all whoop and cheer, Douglas cheers himself, and Louis laughs despite himself. Nick’s eyes are still not smiling.

Caroline has to kiss Rhea for three seconds, but Louis can’t focus on anything but the fact that next is him. It’s him. It’s him. 

“Louis, spin that bottle!” Caroline yells.

He tries to control his expression, work his face into something neutral. He spins, and before it even stops he knows who it’s going to be.

“GRIMMY! Oh my God, you get to kiss Louis from One Direction.”

Louis’s face hurts from smiling, it’s a fake, scared smile but it still makes his cheeks ache.

Grimmy is sat with his face in his hands, his cheeks as red as rosebuds. “Where’s the dice, come on.”

Again the chant goes up. “Six! Six! Six!” And there it is. Six seconds. Louis is deaf to the uproar, looking only at Nick and battling to keep any negative expression from reaching his face. He won’t be the killjoy homophobe who can’t kiss a boy for a few seconds. He can do it. He centres himself like he does when he’s about to walk out in front of 20,000 people. 

“Come over here then Grimshaw, I’m not getting on my hands and knees for six seconds.”

Pixie whoops again and Grimmy just says “Oh God,” before walking over on his knees and settling in front of Louis. “Hi.” he says and bursts out laughing.

Louis shakes his head and reaches out, puts one hand on Nick’s waist and the other in his hair and kisses. Their dry lips smooch over and over, seemingly forever until Louis hears a cheer and they break apart. That must have been six seconds then. As kisses go it was entirely pedestrian, and Nick is still beetroot red. A tiny voice in the back of Louis’ head says ‘you can do better than that’, and it’s gone before he can work out where it came from. 

There’s a weird feeling in his stomach. He can still smell Nick’s cologne, still feel the heat of his lips and the slight tang of wine on his breath. His first kiss with a man, and it’s Nick Grimshaw in a game of spin the bottle. Bizarre. He looks up and Nick has the bottle again. He glances left to Rhea and Jack - they haven’t had a turn yet. But Nick is spinning the bottle, and nobody seems to be stopping him. Did Rhea and Jack both go and he didn’t even notice? He looks up, slightly panicked at his daydream, just as the bottle points at him. Uproar, again.

“You know what this means! You know what this means!” Pixie is up on her knees, punching the air.

Nick looks like he doesn’t, then his eyes widen. “Oh..no, we don’t have to do that.”

“Yes! Yes we do! That’s the rules! You made that rule up so you could snog whatshisname, so yes, we do!”

“What?” Louis asks gingerly.

Pixie giggles. “If you get the same person in the same round it has to be tongues.”

“Whoah.” Douglas says, then “It might not be long enough for tongues! What if it’s only a second?”

“You’d better roll the dice Grimmy, “ Caroline says, maybe a little reticently. 

Grimmy is smiling, but only just. “Oh my God, oh my God I hate this,” he says, giggling.

He rolls. Nobody chants this time. It’s a six all the same.

“Oh!” Pixie has covered her face with a pillow. Caroline squeals and covers her eyes. Douglas claps a hand over his mouth. They’re like a tableaux of second-hand embarrassment. 

“You don’t have to do it!” Nick yells.

“Yes he does!” says Rhea, “that’s the rules!”.

“No, don’t make him, don’t make him kiss me for six seconds with tongues.” Nick is laughing, like it’s so ridiculous. Louis Tomlinson, terminally straight boy bander, so straight he knocks up random one night stands after he gets dumped by his long term girlfriend. What a joke he is. 

“No Nick, that’s the rules.” He hears himself say. The girls shriek and clap and Nick raises his eyebrows.

“Good man!” says Douglas. Jack stays silent. 

Louis eyes Nick, daring him to argue. Nick shrugs. “Come on then, over here, I had to move for you, come over here.”

Louis really doesn’t want to crawl over to him like that bird in Dirty Dancing so he stands up and walks over, then kneels so he’s straddling Nick’s lap. The girls are whooping and Nick looks trepidatious but Louis is all about go hard or go home, and he is nearly hard right now. Without hesitating any more he loops his arms around Nick’s neck to obscure the view of their lips and just kisses. Nick doesn’t open his mouth at first so Louis licks at his lip until his jaw slackens and their tongues touch gently. Louis can feel Nick’s big hand press into him where he’s holding him still. Louis doesn’t whimper, he manages to control that much, but the heavy huff of hot air from his nostrils sounds like a sigh. He’s kissing Nick, he’s really kissing him. It’s turning him on and he doesn’t know why, he’s never wanted this, not from a bloke before. He’ll flirt to get attention, he’ll cuddle with anyone, but this is so intimate, Nick’s tongue is in his mouth and people are watching. And Louis _loves it_. 

Suddenly Nick is pulling away and their eyes meet. There’s no mistaking what’s in Nick’s eyes - it’s a question. _What the fuck was that?_

Louis looks around, it’s suddenly a little bit quiet.. Pixie is giggling. 

“This is brilliant.” says Caroline, breathless from laughing.

Douglas is blushing and Louis doesn’t want to look back at Jack and Rhea, he’s seen enough. He looks back to Nick and bounces his eyebrows. _See? Just a laugh_.

As he gets up, Pixie moans “How am I supposed to top that? It’s my turn now and I’ve already lost.”

“You can’t lose at spin the bottle Pix.”

Pixie spins. “Er, yes you can Dougie, Oh look, it’s you again.” 

Louis watches as she rolls a one and gets a peck from Douglas, then they all start to get up and move back to their drinks. Pixie is loud, over compensating for the quiet that intruded on their game. “Good game everyone! I love spin the bottle, let’s have a drink.”

The next hour passes like a millennium, Louis makes small talk with Caroline, exchanges about two words with Nick, and then people start to leave. Jack goes first, giving Louis a crushing handshake. Rhea, Douglas, and Caroline share a cab, the girls pecking Louis’ cheeks and Douglas enveloping him in a hug. “Must do this again Louis, it was great meeting you.” Louis nods his agreement.

Pixie leaves just after, kissing him and Nick on both cheeks and darting out to get her uber. Then it’s just the two of them, and Louis realises he hasn’t called a car. He thinks fast, because he wants Nick to acknowledge that _something_ happened, he wants his cookie for being cool with kissing a gay guy even though he’s straight. He wants Nick to says something now they’re alone. “Can I just use your toilet before I go please?” he asks overly politely. 

“Yeah of course, it’s just through there.” Nick waves in the direction of the door then starts picking up glasses.

Louis takes a piss quickly then takes his time washing his hands, wondering what to say when he comes out. He wants a reaction - why won’t Nick give him a reaction? It’s not every day a supposedly straight member of the world’s most famous boy band gives you a scorching hot kiss with tongues in front of all your mates.

He dries his hands and opens the doors, and Nick is stood there, leaning on the wall. 

“Alright?”

Louis swallows and smiles. “Yeah.”

For a second they both just stand there. Then Nick pushes himself off the wall and starts fidgeting, looking at his hands. “So, erm, that kiss was….something.”

Louis laughs with relief and relaxes just a touch. “Yeah, was it six seconds or was it...a bit more than that?”

Nick smiles shyly. “I think it was a bit more, more like...ten seconds Pixie said.”

Louis just nods and looks at the floor, glancing up through his lashes in one of his trademark flirty moves, though he doesn’t know why he’s pulling it out right at this moment. 

“Sorry if like, it was a bit awkward, but... I mean...Seemed like erm, well, you know, it seemed like...you didn’t mind it too much.” Nick bites his lip.

Louis feels himself at a crossroads now. Here in this hallway, outside a bathroom, he can either dismiss the little niggling sparks in his brain as alcohol induced, or he can look right at them, let them dance in his vision. “I didn’t mind it.” he says quietly. He had no idea he was going to say it, but there it is.

He looks up and meets Nick’s gaze. They look into each other’s eyes. Louis holds it for six seconds, then moves towards him. He places a gentle hand on Nick’s hip, then goes in for the kiss, Nick grabbing him when he realises what’s happening. There’s more urgency this time, even though there’s no self-imposed time limit, even though they could kiss all night, they kiss like the ground is about to open up between them and separate them forever. 

_I’ve never been kissed like this_ , Louis thinks to himself. He lets himself notice all of the little differences there are to kissing girls. Although he would never have thought of Nick as strong, or particularly dominant, he’s totally under his control. No girl holds you this tight, or this close. Louis feels like he’s struggling to stay upright, so he relaxes and almost moans when Nick holds him up. He pushes Louis against the wall to steady him and then pins him there with his hips. It feels so good and Louis doesn’t know why, he usually hates being controlled, hates being told what to do, but at this moment he knows Nick could tell him to do anything and he’d obey.

 _Obey._ That thought goes straight to his dick. He holds Nick’s gaze for a second. “Can we go to the bedroom?”


	2. Suck

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis stays over at Nick's and has a night off from who he thought he was

“Can we go to the bedroom?”

Nick looks almost impressed with him. He nods and takes his hand, and this, this is what’s different, this is what’s exciting. He can’t help but think back to the last girl he’d slept with. She had been cute to the point of being almost ugly. Her snub nose, apple cheeks, and almond-shaped eyes had been attractive until Louis looked at them for too long. She had tried to play sexy, leading him by the hand to the bedroom whilst looking back at him with what she probably thought was an alluring gaze, but really she had just looked daft. He’d fucked her anyway, trying to ignore the porn noises she had been making, the little mewls that were more irritating than silence. 

Nick isn’t teasing, he’s leading him confidently, there are no games, no flirting and no question that Louis can have him. He pushes open his bedroom door has Louis inside and up against the wall again in two seconds. The lights go on bright then fade, and Louis realises, as he gasps around Nick’s tongue, that Nick is controlling the dimmer switch at the same time as making Louis come apart. He likes that this must be an automatic response, that Louis is just the latest in a string of casual lays for which he has a muscle memory, a sequence to run through. It somehow makes the whole thing less daunting.

“Clothes off.” Nick growls, and Louis isn’t having it.

“ _You_ take them off.” He challenges, and Nick smirks as he starts deftly undoing the buttons on Louis’ shirt. He carries on to his belt, his fly, shoving a hand over Louis’ boxers and gently rubbing him and kissing his neck. Louis’ skin is burning and he already feels that little tug in his stomach which warns him he’ll be coming soon. He gently pushes Nick back and starts undressing him. When he gets to the point of pushing Nick’s pants off his hips, Nick walks them backwards to the bed and gets on while taking the rest of his clothes off. It could almost be choreographed. Nick’s naked now and his cock is...it’s big. Penis size is not of any interest to Louis at this point in his new life as an apparently bicurious fuck up. He gets undressed anyway and gets up on the bed on his knees, going in for another kiss. They end up on their sides, legs entwined, cocks rubbing against each other, and Louis is so close, too close.

“What do you want?” Nick whispers in between kisses.

_What does he want?_ He likes this, likes the kissing, the grappling, Nick’s hairy chest and big hands, but he is not letting that giant cock near his arse, no way. “I - I don’t know.” He huffs out a laugh at his own ridiculousness and Nick laughs back.

“Do you want my mouth?”

“Yeah”. 

Nick rolls him over onto his back, and does it so easily that Louis lets out a little confused moan. Then Nick’s lips are back on Louis’ neck, his hand on Louis’ cock, though it doesn’t need any help right now. Nick bites gently on Louis’ breastbone, and his stomach, and his hip, and then licks a stripe up his dick and swallows it.

Louis can’t control the sounds coming out of his mouth. At this point in a blowjob from a girl he’s only just hard, but with Nick’s mouth on him he feels like he already wants to come. Louis throws his head back into the soft pillow and bucks his hips, making Nick hold him still. He opens his eyes to look down and Nick looks right back at him, his big, brown eyes dark and his cheeks hollowed as he deep throats him. “Sorry, sorry, I’m gonna…”

Louis comes so hard he shouts, just a strangled scream, and yes, he came after less than a minute. He opens his mouth to apologise again and Nick is kissing him, the bitter taste of come on his tongue. Louis holds Nick to him, grinds his soft dick into Nick’s hard one. He tries to roll them over and succeeds on the second attempt, taking hold of Nick’s cock and wanking him while they kiss. When Nick starts to gasp Louis stops kissing and just looks at his face, his wonderful face. His eyes are half lidded, his mouth open, and Louis thinks he’s never seen anything as beautiful. _I’ve never seen a girl look as good as this when she’s coming_.

“I’m gonna come.” Nick whispers, and Louis doesn’t know what to do. He doesn’t want come all over him, so he makes a snap decision and shoves himself down the bed to let Nick finish in his mouth. By the time he regrets it it’s too late and it’s happening, he’s desperately trying to swallow and not choke, and thinking...so this is what come tastes like when there’s a fucking pint of it running into your mouth. He pulls off when he’s sure he won’t vomit and concentrates on swallowing to get the taste out of his mouth.

When he looks up Nick is lying there smiling, looking blissful but also amused. “You done that before?”

Louis smiles and laughs. “No.”

Nick laughs back at him and Louis crawls up the bed again to lay on top of Nick and let him get a taste. They kiss until Louis gets a twinge in his side and has to move onto his back. Nick turns onto his side and gently strokes a finger across Louis’ stomach. “So, have you done _any_ of that before, because I’ll be honest, I wasn’t expecting tonight to go like this.”

Louis chuckles at the understatement of the century. “I’ve never even kissed a bloke before tonight. I don’t know… I don’t know what happened really, I just wanted you I suppose. I don’t know, do you have this effect on people?”

“I have been a few people’s first actually. Maybe I’m just, whatcha call it..comfortable. A good training ground.”

“I think...I think my life’s just a bit...odd at the moment.”

Nick hums, and leans over to kiss Louis on the cheek. “Well, it all worked out very well for me, glad I could be of service. Are you staying?”

The question just tagged onto the end there gets Louis’ brain ticking again. He could get up, get dressed, sit on the bed awkwardly until a car gets here, then lie awake all night at home thinking about what’s just happened and what it means and all that shit. Or he could postpone that until tomorrow. “Is that alright, I mean, can I stay?”

“Course you can.” Nick gets out of bed and his dick actually swings as he does. Christ, it’s big. Louis only got about three inches in his mouth. “Just gonna brush my teeth, my mouth tastes like boy band.” He winks and then goes into the en suite, leaving Louis to contemplate his life. He gets out of bed and finds his underwear, pulling it on in case he freaks out in the morning at waking up naked in another man’s bed, then he goes out to the kitchen to get them both some water. Nick’s dog Pig lifts her head from her basket and wags her little tale as she sees him and he crouches down to pat her on the head. He’s not freaking out. He had another man’s dick in his mouth about ten minutes ago and he’s not freaking out. That’s almost unnerving in itself. He manages to find two glasses and goes back to the bedroom with them. When he gets there Nick’s back in bed, sat up, like they’re an old married couple. There’s just a bedside lamp on and it looks too cosy.

“Got you some water. You haven’t got a spare toothbrush have you?”

“Yeah, I’ve left the packet on the counter.”

“Thanks.”

Louis puts the glasses down on Nick’s bedside table and without thinking, kisses him on the forehead. _Why the fuck did he do that?_ He freezes but Nick just smiles and winks. Shit shit shit. Louis goes into the bathroom and puts his head in his hands. What the fuck was the kiss for? A kiss on the forehead? Why? Why? Why? He takes a piss, washes his hands and brushes his teeth, then stands paralysed with the toothbrush in his hand. There’s a glass which holds Nick’s toothbrush, and there’s something way too intimate about putting the two in the same glass. But where else would he put it? He could rest it, bristles up, on the counter, but that seems… weird? Like he was making a no-toothbrush-proximity statement? He shakes his head. So it’s okay to suck each others dicks but not okay to put their toothbrushes in the same glass? He puts the fucking toothbrush in the fucking glass and walks back into the bedroom, collecting one of the glasses of water from the bedside table as he goes.

“Do you have any work or anything tomorrow?” Louis asks, in a fake casual kind of way, climbing into bed.

“No, nothing planned for the whole weekend, for a change. You?”

“No, me neither.”

“I can offer you a cuppa and a bacon buttie in the morning then, my sexual awakening service includes a meal.”

Louis laughs, more at himself than anything. “I’ll give you a five star Trip Advisor review.”

“Jesus, imagine twitter if you did?”

Louis is about to say that it might distract them from saying his baby isn’t real, but he holds his tongue. He settles down into the really comfy bed and glances over at Nick. Nick turns to click the lamp off and then they’re in darkness. Louis feels the bed dip, then a gentle kiss on the cheek and a squeeze of his hand.

“Night.”

“Night.”

Louis fidgets a bit as he always does when he’s trying to sleep, but Nick doesn’t seem to mind. Eventually he gets comfy and tries to silence his mind. He dreams that he’s an identical twin, and watches himself living a life he doesn’t recognise. It’s a dream he’s had before.

\---

Louis awakes to the smell of bacon and stretches out in the bed, his joints clicking as he does. He takes a gulp of water and looks around the room. His clothes from last night are neatly folded on a chair, his socks tucked into his shoes underneath it. He gets up, stretches again and goes for a piss, glancing at the toothbrushes still side by side in their glass as he does. He walks out into the living room and hears the TV on, Pig’s claws tapping on the wood floors as she comes to greet him. When he straightens up from stroking her Nick is glancing over his shoulder from the kitchen. 

“I knew that bacon would wake you up. Do you want a tshirt or something?” 

Louis looks down at himself, still in just his underwear. Nick is wearing trackie bottoms and a Dr Dre tshirt. “Er, yeah, if you’ve got one.”

Nick turns back to the bacon. “In the bottom drawer of the chest of drawers there’s some in there, there’s some trackies as well if they fit you.”

Louis goes back into the bedroom and pulls the bottom drawer open. He picks up some grey cropped tracksuit pants and a soft, white tshirt and pulls them on, feeling like he could just curl up and have a day on the settee wearing them. His feet are cold though. He sticks his head out of the bedroom door. “Nick? Can I borrow some socks please?”

“Yeah, in fact do you see the Topman bag in the corner by the bathroom? There’s loads of new ones in there, help yourself.”

Louis pulls out a pair of bright turquoise socks with pizza slices on them, and pulls them on. Maybe Nick will tell him to keep them, like a memento. Suck my dick, get some socks.

In the living room there’s two mugs of tea, a little jug of milk, and a plate of bacon butties on white bread. Louis knows if he had gone home he’d have ended up having to get a full Tesco delivery just to get his hands on some milk and bacon. One of the simple pleasures he no longer has is being able to walk to the shop for some milk on a Saturday morning. 

“I really do commend the service here you know, Grim”. He says as he sits next to Nick on the giant sofa and adds some milk to his tea. 

“Is that your favourite thing I’ve given you to put in your mouth?”

Louis fights to swallow his tea and laugh at the same time. “No offence but if I had to give up either tea, bacon butties, or sucking dick, I know which one I’d give up.”

“Tea.”

“Yeah, in a second.”

He takes a bite of his food and moans, turning to Nick and nodding to indicate that yes, this might be the best meal he has ever eaten. Nick nods back and then they sit in silence, eating, slurping tea and watching Saturday Kitchen. James Martin is taking a call from someone who has a lot of quince and doesn’t know what to do with it.

“What the fuck did you buy a quince tree for then? If you don’t know what to do with quince then don’t buy what is basically a never ending source of fucking quince!” Louis rants at the TV.

Nick is shaking with laughter, his mouth full of food. When he finally swallows it he points at the screen. “I hate it when they do that, they’re like...oh I’ve bought a whole pheasant and I don’t know how to cook it, well don’t buy it then! Get a pizza!”

Louis laughs and then can’t stop. It’s not even that funny, and when he realises that, he also realises why he’s still laughing. He’s happy. He’s happy right at this moment. Eventually he calms down and takes another sip of his tea. He doesn’t want to finish it, because then he might have to leave.

“Have you ever been on Saturday Kitchen?” Louis asks.

“No, bit off brand I think. They might have asked my booker, but no-one’s asked me.”

“You’ve been on the One Show, same demo innit?”

“I think that was them profile raising for X Factor, they wanted me on something so grannies knew who I was.”

Louis hears the familiar ‘them’ and ‘they’ meaning Nick’s management and PR people. Louis’ ‘them and they’ would shit a brick if they knew he was having post-sex breakfast with Nick Grimshaw. Just at that moment Louis realises he wants Nick again, wants him when they’re both sober. He parks the thought until they’ve both finished eating and gulped down another cuppa.

When Nick takes the plates into the kitchen, Louis follows him, waits until he turns round and then goes in for a kiss. It’s a sweet kiss, their best so far. Louis pulls away and asks if he can have a shower.

“Yeah sure, use anything you like, there’s towels in the bottom cupboard”. 

“Or, you could show me, and then, join me.” Louis looks up through his lashes and to his eternal relief Nick smiles and nods.

They give each other handjobs in the shower, Nick pays a lot of attention to the curve of Louis’ arse and Louis realises that if they did this again, whatever this is, Nick would probably want to fuck. Nick looks so pretty with his hair and eyelashes wet and Louis can’t stop looking at him, kissing him. He gets a handful of shower gel and starts washing Nick’s chest, watching the suds form in the dark hair. It’s a pretty intimate thing to do and Nick seems to again have that look on his face of wry amusement. He takes the conditioner and massages it into Louis’ hair, kissing him deeply as he does. I want this, Louis thinks. I want this all the time.

When they get out of the shower Pig is barking so Nick throws on a bathrobe and goes to see to her. Louis dries off and brushes his teeth. He looks at his borrowed, blue toothbrush and puts in back into the glass alongside Nick’s. He keeps on the pizza socks and tshirt but has to put his dress shoes and trousers back on - nothing like a shoes and cropped trackies combo to make you look like you’ve escaped from an asylum. He takes the other socks out of the plastic Topman bag and he’s putting the rest of his clothes in it as Nick comes in. “Oh, can I have this bag for my stuff?”

Nick waves him off. “Yeah sure, keep the socks, they were a freebie. Do you want any more? I’ve got tons, they just send me socks all the time for some reason.”

Louis smiles. “One pair of pizza socks is fine, thanks all the same, I’ll treasure them as a memento of our first night together.” The words are out of his mouth before he can think. _First night_. Nice one, dickhead.

Nick doesn’t seem to have noticed the implication in the words, he’s pulling on new boxers and drying himself a bit with the bathrobe. “I’m not rushing you out by the way.”

Louis shakes his head, as etiquette demands. “No, honestly I should get back and sort myself out, thanks for breakfast, it was ace.” 

Nick ties his robe up and pulls Louis to him, kissing him. “It was a great night, you’re welcome back anytime.”

Anytime. 

Louis looks him in the eyes. “Might take you up on that.” Might. Will. 

Ten minutes later his car arrives and he’s just jogging up the steps from Nick’s flat when he thinks he hears a click. He stops, forgetting all his training. He glances around and sees movement behind a car across the street. Shit. Shit. He jumps into his waiting car and quickly sends two texts, one to Nick saying ‘paps outside, just fyi’ and one to his assistant saying ‘poss papped leaving a house, just heads up’. 

Once back at his house he allows himself a mini freakout. Pictures of him leaving Nick’s house, with his hair wet, carrying a plastic bag with Topman on it. Best case, he can play it off as he stayed over on the couch, just like a mate, no problem. Worst case, no-one is fucking buying it. He puts his head in his hands and looks at his stupid turquoise socks with pizza slices on them. His phone beeps and it’s a text message from Nick, just one word.

_Sorry x_


	3. Shake

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has to face reality, but not until he's indulged in fantasy one more time.

The Sun has a three quarter page article entitled ‘New Direction?’ There’s the picture of Louis leaving Nick’s, a smaller, quite grainy picture of them hugging after the band’s appearance on X Factor, and their normal nonsense editorial, basically implying that Nick and Louis are fucking. It ends with a bolded sentence which says “Let’s hope bandmate Harry, who was also linked with Grimmy, isn’t the jealous type!”

Louis checks his twitter and it’s utter carnage. There are tons of nasty things said about Nick, plus some who seem absolutely elated, exclaiming TOMLINSHAW IS REAL! As he’s reading the tweets his phone shows his PA Claire is calling and he takes a deep breath before he answers. 

“Hello, yeah I’ve seen it, what… I mean, are we doing anything?”

Claire explains that it’s bad timing because they’ve already had a story in the works for the Daily Mail about Louis moving to LA to help with the baby. That was due on Wednesday, this is Sunday, and it’s distracting everyone. The plan is no comment, no confirmation, but Louis thinks that’s ridiculous because it’s out there now. He has a one way flight booked to LA for Tuesday because his baby is going to be born soon, and he can’t just leave it hanging and let Nick deal with it while he plays happy families.

He manages to persuade Claire to let him look at other options but as soon as he puts the phone down he just wants to crawl into a hole and stay there. He watches some shit TV, does a bit of packing, checks twitter another thousand times and, for a memorable twenty minutes, just stares at the wall. He’s just about to make a brew to further procrastinate when the phone goes again. He sees Nick’ name flash up and his stomach gets butterflies. He tries not to think what that means. He accepts the call and draws his knees up to his chest, trying to keep himself calm. “Hello Nick.”

“Hello Louis, are you having a good day?”

Louis laughs. “About as good as you I imagine.”

“Listen I’ve had a thought about what we could do about it.”

It knocks Louis a little to think that he’s already become a problem. There’s no small talk, no ‘I enjoyed yesterday’, just straight to business - how do we sort out the mess? The mess that is Louis Tomlinson.

“Do you fancy coming on the show tomorrow on the phone, and we’ll just treat it like a big joke? Like, I can tease you about it and you can say you got drunk and fell asleep on my sofa? I feel like if we make fun of it, it’ll get forgotten about, but if we say nothing it kind of.. Festers. You know what I mean?”

“Yeah…” Louis mulls it over. “That’s actually a good idea, just take the piss out of them for printing all that, like they didn’t even wait and try and get more evidence or anything, they just shot their load too early.”

Nick giggles. “Nice metaphor. And yeah, they didn’t even try and get a comment so I reckon everyone knows it’s bullshit.”

“Thinks”. Louis says a little too quickly. “They think it’s bullshit.”

“Oh yeah.” Nick laughs again. “Yeah, course ‘cause it actually did happen! So what do you think? Will your lot go for it?”

They do go for it, and at 8.05 the following morning Louis is waiting to be patched through to Nick. He’s a good actor. He’s a good liar. He can do this.

“We’ve got a very special guest on the phone this morning, it’s my boyfriend Louis Tomlinson!”

Louis’ surprised laughter is real, but he plays along. “Good morning darling! Are you alright, love of my life?”

Nick laughs. “I’m so excited for our wedding. But seriously, Louis Tomlinson, before the internet explodes, can you please explain to the world what on earth you were doing coming out of my house with a Topman bag?”

This is the bit they’ve rehearsed, and Louis didn’t get a part on Waterloo Road for nothing. “Well when you visit Grimmy you have to sign a contract to say you’ll leave his house with a Topman bag, other clothes shops are available, but erm..seriously thank you Nick for letting me stay over when I got horrendously drunk after a party and fell asleep on your very comfy sofa!”

“You’re very welcome, it was quite a guest list that impromptu party wasn’t it? Caroline Flack was there…”

“Caroline Flack, Douglas Booth was there…”

“It was quite the guest list, but only one space on the settee and seeing as you fell asleep it was kind of yours by default.”

Louis is relaxed now, apparently both he and Nick are excellent liars. “Yeah, that’s my strategy, fall asleep first and then just wake up to a bacon butty and a cup of tea. And a dog licking your face.”

“No, that was me.”

Louis laughs. If only they knew. “Well I appreciate it Nick, thank you.”

“You’re very welcome Louis, thanks for ringing up!”

They do their goodbyes and Louis hangs up, not sure if he’s supposed to stay on the line and talk to Nick. He quickly texts him ‘was that okay?’ And then immediately gets on twitter.

Everyone seems to be buying it, delighted at their conversation, saying it was funny. There are a few people tweeting ‘MY BOYFRIEND LOUIS TOMLINSON!!!?1!!!” And hashtagging it Tomlinshaw, but if anything that’s good, it marks the idea of them together as vaguely ridiculous.

A text from Nick comes through. _First class acting there_ and a winky face. Louis texts back _'my boyfriend' - I nearly shit meself lol_.

He wants to put the radio on and see if Nick mentions him but he also doesn’t want to torture himself. Right at this moment he wants Nick again. He tosses his phone from hand to hand before texting _any chance i could come over for a minute today? Flying to LA tomoz_. He doesn’t want to leave it like this, he wants to see Nick face to face before he enters the Insanity Zone of flying off to become a dad for the first time. There’s a nervy ten minutes when Nick doesn’t text back and Louis wonders whether he’s gone too far and asked for too much. He jumps when the text comes through

_Got meetings and dinner plans but free 2 -5 ??_

Louis texts that he’ll be there at three because he doesn’t want to look needy. He goes into a maelstrom of packing and organising, not wanting anything to distract him while he’s with Nick. He doesn’t know when he’ll see him again - possibly the Brits as he knows that he’s meant to be attending them, the baby will be a month old by then, and he doesn’t know whether he’ll be terrified, or head over heels in love with it. He’s in love with it now, as an abstract concept, but while Briana is able to treat the baby like it’s already here, he isn’t. He muses on whether it’s a good idea to start fucking someone when he might be in LA for the foreseeable future, but he decides to let that be a problem for Future Louis. Present Day Louis is getting his dick wet.

He does a de-brief with his PR team, but doesn’t tell them he’s going over to Nick’s, in case they tell him not to. If he gets papped again, so what? They’ve already established a friendship, there’s no reason why they shouldn’t go to each others houses. There’s a niggle in his brain that says that Nick will have to deal with any negative fallout while Louis is in LA but he’s selfish and ignores it. Nick knows the score, he’s dealt with worse. 

At 2.45 he jumps in a car rather than drive himself. He’s changed into tight jeans which show off his arse, and scrubbed himself so his skin is soft and smells vaguely of mint. He doesn’t spot any paps as he descends the stairs to Nick’s flat but darts inside quickly when he opens the door. 

Nick’s wearing all black and has his glasses on, which Louis hasn’t seen before. “You look like a French poet.” He says, without thinking, and Nick laughs but walks away from him, into the living room. Pig barrels over and jumps up on Louis’ leg until he strokes her. 

“Is that a compliment?”

Louis follows, nervous now, wanting to start something but feeling like Nick isn’t into it.

“Do you want a cuppa?”

“Yeah.” Louis sits on the sofa and strokes Pig, who is currently jumping all over him. “Good girl, Pig, get down.”

She ignores him and climbs into his lap, nudging her cold wet nose into his neck. He cuddles her, smoothing her ears and feeling her tail thwack against his thigh. There’s a noise to his right and when he looks up Nick is taking a photo of them. Louis smiles. “She’s such a lovely obedient dog.”

Nick takes Pig’s collar and gets her down, then sits next to Louis on the sofa. “She’s just happy to see you.”

Louis looks into his eyes. “Are you happy to see me?”

Nick is looking at him like he’s a terrible mistake, but one that he can’t resist. It’s a look that Louis has seen more than once over the years. Nick leans in and kisses him, and Louis relaxes. Nick kisses like he’s hungry, mouth wide, tongue strong, hands in Louis’ hair, arms pinning him in. Louis is hard already. He hears the kettle boil but couldn’t care less about tea, or anything that will take Nick’s attention from him. He grinds up against Nick and hears him moan, grinding back until they’re dry humping on the sofa like teenagers. Then Nick stands and pulls Louis up in one movement, pushing him towards the bedroom. This time Louis is stripping straight away, doesn’t care about allure, doesn’t give a shit about the strip tease, just wants both of them naked right now. They’re both hard, grinding on the bed, Louis underneath Nick, grasping at his back, breathing deeply and kissing like it’s the last time, which it might be. 

“Do you wanna fuck me?” Nick asks, his hair falling into his face.

Louis feels himself nodding but then hesitates. “I do but..I don’t know...I don’t know how to…”

“I’ll ride you,” Nick says, breathless. “I’ll do it all, you just lie there.”

Louis nods again, nerves started to prickle at him. Nick stands and goes to the bedside draw, but Louis turns away, looks at the ceiling, doesn’t want to know what the other steps are, just wants to be inside Nick. He feels Nick crawl over him again, kissing him before putting one hand on the headboard and reaching back, opening himself up. Nick is opening himself up for _him_. He focuses on Nick’s face, the blissed out expression and the concentration written on it. Nick’s lubed up hand gives Louis a stroke and then there’s a condom being rolled on him. This is the point at which Louis could say, stop, wait, but he doesn’t. He lies there and watches as Nick rises up on his knees and guides Louis’ cock inside him. Fuck it’s tight. Fuck, fuck, fuck, it’s tight and hot and rough and Louis freezes. He looks up at Nick looking down on him and he must look terrified because Nick widens his eyes and whispers ‘okay?’. Louis nods, and then Nick moves, and as quiet as Louis has been for the last few minutes he moans so loudly he shocks himself. Out in the living room Pig barks and Nick gives a tiny laugh. His thighs are steadily lifting up and down and between stifling his moans and trying not to die Louis thinks _strong, he must be so strong_. Nick is changing angle now and although it feels no different to Louis it must be hitting the right spot because suddenly Nick is gasping, furrowing his brow and screwing up his eyes. Louis lifts his shaking hands to Nick’s hips and starts to feel that tug in his stomach. He’s not in control, can’t thrust because Nick is too heavy, and it’s suddenly all too much. He comes hard and moments later feels Nick come on his chest and contract around him. The feeling is like nothing he’s ever experienced before and he’s sure he blacks out for a moment because he can’t hear anything and feels like there are a thousand lightning bolts running up and down his body. 

Nick climbs off him, pulls off the condom and then disappears from view. When he comes back he’s cleaning Louis off with a baby wipe and then collapsing beside him, holding him close. Louis rolls over to face him and cuddles closer, closing his eyes. For a long time there’s just the sound of their breathing before Nick clears his throat.

“How long are you in America for?”

Louis goes to speak but Nick whispers ‘shit’ and starts moving him. 

“Get under the covers, you’re shaking.”

Is he? He doesn’t feel like he’s shaking. He feels Nick pull the duvet and then drape it over him, wrapping his arms around him. Louis lifts his hand and sees that yes, it is violently shaking. Weird. 

“I’m back for the Brits.” Louis says as Nick starts rubbing his back. “I’m back here for the Brits.”


	4. Son

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a new man in Louis' life, but he hasn't forgotten the old one

Louis is head over heels in love with the most beautiful boy in the world. 

Louis can be hyperactive and restless, always looking for the next distraction. But now he glances at the clock and sees that he’s been sitting, holding Freddie, for an hour and it seems like only a few minutes. He could stay like this forever.

“Mom’s here.”

Louis looks up, and Briana is dressed up ready to go out. “I could have him you know, I mean, I know your mum wants to spend time with him but..”

Briana gives him a look which says they’ve talked about this, and he knows they have, but he really doesn’t want to hand Freddie over. They’ve got a routine, and he wants nothing more right now than to just sit with his son, feed him, bath him, put him to bed and sing to him. He wants to sit by the baby monitor almost hoping that Freddie will wake up so he can rock him back to sleep. He doesn’t want to make Briana feel guilty about going out, because they both could do with it, but all the same…

“I’ll miss him, that’s all.” Louis mutters.

“You’ll be away from him for a few days next week, you should get used to it.”

“I know.. I was thinking I could ask Niall to go.”

Briana laughs. “Oh, you are so cute! No, you need to go, you’ll have fun when you get there. And it’s the last thing you have to do for the band so best to just do it and then be back with him.”

Louis nods and sighs. “Okay, go and let your mum in, I’ll put him in the car seat.” 

When she leaves he kisses Freddie on the head and leans in to whisper “Don’t feel the need to be a good boy for Nana, make her life a misery so she brings you back.” 

Freddie’s little nostrils flare in his sleep, and Louis takes that as a sign that he’s in total agreement about being a little rip for his Nana. He kisses him again and puts him in the car seat, tucking the blanket over him and kissing him again for good measure. He takes the car seat out to the hall where Briana’s mum is waiting.

“Oh here he is, my little precious!” She coos.

“I am, and I’m carrying your grandson” Louis quips at her. 

“Oh stop it you, come on now let me take him, the car’s running.”

“Don’t leave the car running! Someone could nick it! You - “ Louis stops himself before says something which will cause a row. “I mean you should be more careful, this is LA you know.”

Briana and her mother share a look and Briana reaches out for the car seat.

“Wait, I haven’t kissed him goodbye yet…” Louis gives him another kiss on the head. “I love you, see you tomorrow.” Something hurts inside him when he lets go of the car seat, and awful thoughts immediately fill his head. What if they have a crash? What if she leaves the car unlocked and someone steals him? What if she trips while she’s carrying him? He feels sick and it takes every ounce of his self-control not to just snatch Freddie back.

“Bye you two, have fun!”

Briana kisses Freddie and her mother and then they’re alone. Louis doesn’t know what to do with himself.

“She knows to call if there’s any problem doesn’t she? I mean she knows she can call me, not just you.”

“She knows. Are you going to have any fun at all?”

“Probably not…” Louis laughs at himself. “I’m going to be one of those dads aren’t I? The ones that go out once in a blue moon then just talk about their kids all night.”

Briana’s phone pings and she glances at it. “Oh my car’s here. Okay…” She gives Louis the briefest kiss on the forehead, just like she did with Freddie, then she’s out the door. “Don’t forget to have fun!”

He gives a half-hearted wave, then watches her get into the uber before he closes the door and retreats back to the sofa. He contemplates texting everyone and cancelling, but then he knows he’ll just sit here with his thoughts alternating between going to pick Freddie up and causing a family civil war, or getting drunk on his own and calling Nick for phone sex. Neither of those things will end well. Out it is then. He texts his minder to say he’s ready to be picked up, and texts to double check the address of this bar. There’s no way he’s going to have a good time.

 

\----

He does end up having a good time. It becomes remarkably easy to imagine he’s still completely free of responsibilities after he lays the law down early on and forbids anyone from asking about Freddie. He knows that once he’s drunk and emotional it won’t take much for him to catch a cab home early and go knocking on Tammi’s door demanding his son back. So no-one mentions Freddie, they drink a lot, and Louis gets back home at 4am. 

He’s still wired from the club so he gets his laptop out to look for some porn while he lounges in bed. Briana is staying at her friend’s place, Tammi will have Freddie until someone comes to collect him, so Louis is actually alone in this unfamiliar rented house. He uses google incognito windows because he doesn’t want anyone seeing pornhubgay in his browser history. He clicks through a few videos but gets easily bored, they’re all the same, nothing that catches his eye. Suddenly he notices a sex toy ad flash up next to one of the videos. He thinks about the Brits, how he’ll probably get to spend the night with Nick, if he sets it up. Last time, they actually fucked, and surely that’s something Nick wants to do to him. What if he gets bored with Louis if he won’t even try it? He doesn’t click through to the ad just in case, but he types the address in another incognito window, and quickly navigates to dildos. Christ, there are thousands of them. He manages to filter by size and finds one he thinks might be okay. He could get one smaller and one larger so he can work up to it but he doesn’t really want to be a man who owns more than one dildo. He adds lube to the order and then double and triple checks that it will all be delivered in plain packaging. He takes a breath and clicks to confirm the order, then closes down the laptop and gets under the covers, no longer interested in getting himself off. 

It’s ten when he wakes up and he is momentarily grateful for Tammi taking the baby as his head feels like it might split open. He gulps down a pint of water and takes some weird yellow American headache tablets that he’s not convinced will actually work. When he looks at his phone there are two texts from Briana, one from 4.30am saying she’s safe at her friend’s house, and another saying that her mum will drop off Freddie at lunchtime. He’s starving so he walks in the too bright California sun to the nearest restaurant and eats their version of a full English. Amazingly he doesn’t get stopped once for photos so he makes it back before anyone and has a shave and another shower to make himself presentable. There’s still no-one back half an hour later so he pulls his laptop out to check his emails, and it’s then he remembers he’s bought a dildo. “Fuck me.” He mutters to himself, then he laughs because, yes, that’s exactly the plan. 

There’s a knock at the door just then and he jumps up, taking the time to turn off his laptop in case anyone sees his recent purchase history. He opens the door with a grin and takes Freddie from Tammi. “Hello little lad, did you have a nice time at Nana’s?”

“He had me up all night actually…” Tammi says as she closes the door behind her.

Louis giggles to himself and winks at Freddie as he takes him out of the car seat. “Good lad.” He settles on the sofa with Freddie and holds his tiny hand. 

“I’ll just make myself a coffee should I?” Says Tammi from the doorway to the kitchen.

“Oh yeah, I’d love a coffee please Tammi. Has he been fed yet?” He glances behind to see Freddie’s Nana with an amused look on her face.

“He has, and he spit up on me you’ll be pleased to hear.”

“Oh no, Freddie, what are you like?” He says as Tammi goes to the kitchen. “Nice one, little mate” he whispers to Freddie. “Keep it up and she’ll be begging me to take you to Doncaster forever and ever and ever.”

Freddie just looks at him with eyes which are still dark blue and not their real colour yet. He knows they’ll probably be blue, the same as his parents, but he’s really keen for Freddie to look exactly like him, his shade of blue, his hair colour, his nose. He wants a little Louis clone to play football with, wants all those comments of “Oh, he’s the image of you Louis!” He knows it’s egotistical but he doesn’t care. 

When Tammi brings his coffee he reluctantly puts Freddie down for his nap, and Briana gets home ten minutes later so his chance to indulge himself in the baby quickly dissipates. He wonders whether he’ll ever be able to just have the baby for a full day on his own, take him to the park, play with him, be solely responsible for him. He never had that with his sisters, there were too fucking many of them by the time he was old enough to babysit. He doesn’t want to take anything away from Briana, he just wants some time alone with Freddie so they can bond. It’s his worst nightmare that Freddie grows up not knowing him, or being uneasy around him. Or worse - being polite like he’s a stranger. 

He allows himself a daydream where he and Nick are in the park with Freddie, pushing him on the swings, taking it in turns to go down the slide with him, holding his ice cream when it’s too big to fit in his little hands. He scares himself at the thought. Only a few months ago he’d never even kissed a bloke, now he’s thinking about raising his child with one. Nick would probably drop him instantly if he knew he was having these domesticated thoughts. Why does Louis always do this? Always goes in too hot and too heavy, all or nothing. It would be good though. It would be nice. If it wasn’t absolutely ridiculous.

\--

Louis is actually having a nice day when it all nearly comes crashing down around him. He’s just been out for a drive to McDonalds, because Freddie’s asleep, he’s bored, and he’s hungry. He pulled the car up to a ridge just near Mulholland and sat with the windows down, eating his burger and looking at the scenery before driving back. When he gets through the front door he yells to Briana that he’s just going up upstairs to change, but he’s only just through the door of his bedroom when he hears footsteps behind him and then freezes when he sees something on his bed.

“Erm, I’m really sorry, I… I thought it was the travel bottle warmer….”

There’s a brown box on the bed, opened.

Louis turns round and Briana is biting her lip. 

“I’m sorry,” she says. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” She’s cyring with laughter now and Louis just can’t help but laugh too, even though he’s utterly fucked. “I...I really thought it was the bottle warmer, I didn’t even think, I just...No-one saw. I was alone.” She tries to compose herself but she squeals as the laughter spills out of her again.

Louis sits on the bed with his head in his hands, and a big grin on his face that really doesn’t belong there, but he can’t help it, it’s _funny!_ It’s so fucking funny to have someone accidentally open your mail order dildo, and he can’t stop laughing.

He looks at Briana and she looks absolutely delighted. He realises at that point one of the reasons he liked her, she is funny, she’s at her most beautiful when she’s laughing. “You kinky little fucker!” She squeaks and he laughs even more.

“Well...I…I just...” There’s nothing to say. What do you say? I’m fucking a guy and I bought it to break in my virgin ass before I next see him?

Briana just holds up her hands. “I don’t need details, I just… Just keep it away from Freddie because you know he’ll put it in his mouth and...OH MY GOD IMAGINE MY MOTHER SEEING THAT!” She doubles up, tears streaming down her face and Louis can’t breathe from laughing. 

Suddenly Freddie is crying and she takes a deep breath and goes to get him. 

“I’ll go..” Louis says, but she waves him off.

“No, no, it’s fine, you put your toys away.” She shrieks with laughter as she goes down the hall to Freddie’s room and Louis throws the box into the drawer under the bed without looking at it. 

Two days later, she tells Louis she wants to take Freddie to her mothers and stay the night. He’s confused as to why but she tells him he needs a night to himself and winks and his face goes beetroot red. He tries to protest, but she insists, and eventually he relents. When he’s alone he wonders if he can actually get in the mood anyway when he knows the mother of his child is probably visualising his activities.

He drinks a bottle of wine before he even attempts anything, and has a shower to relax himself. He fingers himself a bit in the shower but when he sees the difference in size to the six inch dildo he’s holding and his finger, he shivers a little. He’s just not sure it will actually work. He now regrets not getting something smaller and working up, I mean, it’s already pretty bad that Briana has seen it, it couldn’t really have been worse with two. He dims the lights, mocks himself for trying to set the mood, then grabs the lube and starts with his own fingers. He tries a couple of positions before he just copies what Nick did and grabs the headboard, reaching through his legs. It’s not really doing anything for him until he starts to imagine Nick watching him, knowing what he was doing. He’s able to get four fingers part way in before he decides to just go for it. He lubes up the dildo, holds it under himself, and after a few abortive attempts, lets himself sink down on it like Nick had done. There’s an overwhelming voice in his head saying _there’s something up your arse, get it the fuck out of there!_ And he can’t understand how anyone could find this pleasurable. He tries moving but his thighs and arms burn with the effort. He’s sure the thing is splitting him apart and tentatively touches himself testing for blood, but when he looks at his hand it’s just the wetness of the lube leaking out. Just then he gets a twinge in his leg and sits back and _fucking hell!_ He can hear himself whimpering and moaning but it sounds like an out of body experience. He rocks back onto the dildo and feels the shot of ecstasy again, and again, and it’s so addictive. His head lolls back and then he gets a feeling like he’s going to piss himself but instead he just comes, and comes, without being touched. He gasps like a landed fish for a minute before he manages to roll onto his back. He can feel himself contracting round the dildo and worries he’s having a fucking stroke, but then he relaxes, and pulls it out, still shaking from the effort. 

He did it. He fucking did it. He’s exhausted, and he thinks maybe he has internal injuries, but he fucking did it. He wipes his hands on the bed and reaches for his phone, opening his messages, It’s 6am in London, so Nick will be awake.

_Can I see you after the Brits? Need to see you. Miss you._

He goes to the bathroom to wash his hands and have a piss and hears a text come through. He doesn’t rush to look at it, in case it’s not the answer he wants. 

_Yeah, deffo. Which party we sneaking out of?_

Louis grins and replies.

_Sony probably, let you know asap. Got something I want to give you._


	5. Sex

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Having decided he's going to let Nick fuck him, all Louis has to do now is actually go through with it.

The Sony post-Brits party is the usual parade of canape trays and people in black with headsets. One of the reps keeps bringing people over to meet him, they have titles like VP of International Comms and Head of Engagement and Louis just sees them as obstacles between him and a night of fucking Nick. When it gets to 11pm he has officially finished his contracted face time for the label and he lets the rep know he’s going to be heading off. 

Liam is quite drunk, but that’s working out great for Louis, whose phone has vibrated with notifications welcoming him back to the UK, asking him what time he was going to be done at the Sony party, and showing him a rather impressive penis. The last two were Nick.

“Are you okay mate, are you seriously okay, because I can hang about for a while, I’ll have a word with Cheryl.” He’s sloshing his beer a bit and holding his phone upside down.

Louis just shakes his head smiling, “It’s fine mate, I’ve got something going on. Give Cheryl a kiss from me.” 

Liam gives him a bearhug and slaps him on the back. “Catch up tomorrow maybe?”

“Yeah sure, give us a ring mate.” Louis waves him off then grabs his phone to call a car. On the way to his hotel he texts Nick the room number and takes a sneaky look at the dick pick. He doesn’t want to delete it just yet even though it’s a huge risk just having it on there. 

He gets to the back entrance of the hotel where his temporary minder Adam is waiting for him. He’s a nice enough bloke, a fellow northerner, but he can’t trust him yet. He shakes his hand when he delivers him to the lifts and then tells him he won’t be needing him the rest of the night. 

The suite is the mirror image of the one he was in last time, when one of the girls sneaked a picture of him rolling up and he had hell from the management. He puts the TV on for something to do, then orders champagne to the room. Might as well. He hesitates when they ask him how many glasses but doesn’t want to use one from the bathroom so he just says two and hopes they don’t sell that info. 

He’s just getting buried in the hashtag #britssowhite when there’s a knock at the door. Nick is wearing a gold suit and has highlights in his hair. He looks a bit like an award statuette himself.

“Good evening sir, room service.”

Louis smirks as he shuts the door behind them. “Save the one liners for when you’re inside the room please. Spies everywhere.”

Nick presses him against the door and kisses him and Louis moans unashamedly. God he needs this. He pulls Nick to him and grinds and Nick is hard already. “I missed your dick.” He says and Nick laughs into his mouth. 

“So romantic baby, can I have some of that champagne please?” 

Louis feels himself go red and ducks away to get them a drink. He hasn’t yet told Nick what his bedroom plans are but he really hopes he’s into it because there’s been a big mental build up. 

“Go on then, I can’t believe I’ve been here five minutes and you haven’t shown me any baby pictures.” Nick takes off his jacket and hangs it off the back of a chair. “Or do I have to wait for the spread in Hello?”

Louis hands him a champagne glass and raises his own. “To my fully functioning penis and the world’s most beautiful baby.”

Nick smiles at him warmly before he takes a sip. “You’re glowing.”

“Shut up and look at my baby pictures.” He pats the sofa and Nick sits next to him and drapes an arm over his shoulder. Louis flips through pictures, explaining them when they need explaining and enjoying Nick’s little ahs and coos. “He’s so lovely. I miss him. I wish I had something to distract me.” He tosses the phone down and runs a hand up Nick’s thigh before straddling him and leaning in to lick just below his ear. “Remember I said I had something I wanted to give you?”

Nick shifts underneath him as Louis runs a hand closer to his inner thigh. “I do. Is it a ten grand Rolex by any chance? Because, yes please. Rose gold.” 

Smiling, Louis leans into his ear. He’d mused on how to tell Nick his dirty little secret, and decided that the hottest way was to just come out with it. “I bought a dildo the same size as your cock and fucked myself with it to get myself ready for you.”

And there it is, something Louis never thought he’d see. Nick Grimshaw lost for words. His pretty eyes are wide and his cock is fattening under Louis’ hand. 

Louis nips at his neck and Nick pushes him off onto the other side of the sofa, kissing him hard and undoing his pants. In a second Nick’s on his knees and licking a stripe up his cock. He bucks into it and runs his hand into the highlights. Nick moans so he starts to fuck his mouth, pulling the hair at the base of his neck. The fact he can make Nick, who’s probably had more men than Louis’ had hot dinners, moan like this makes him really proud of himself. Nick presses his tongue up and Louis is coming hard, still balls deep in Nick’s mouth. Before he knows it he’s tasting his own bitterness as Nick kisses him, and being pulled to his feet. He turns, dragging Nick into the bedroom and shedding his own clothes, unable to wait. He keeps his back to Nick as he strips then climbs onto the huge bed in just his boxers. 

He touches himself while he watches Nick get undressed. Nerves are coming for him now and he kind of wishes he’d had as much to drink as Liam. Nick shucks his boxers and starts touching himself too and Jesus his cock looks so much bigger than Louis remembers it. The bed dips as Nick crawls onto it and then his big hands are on Louis’ hips and his chest and his legs and it’s happening, Louis is going to lose his virginity again. Nick only stops kissing him to ask where the condoms and lube are and Louis nods to the toiletry bag on the bedside table. He takes a couple of deep breaths and they must be very deep because Nick is looking at him with concern. 

“Are you sure about this? We don’t have to, you could fuck me if you want.” 

“I’m fine, you’ll have to..I mean I’m not the expert am I?”

Nick drops the lube and a condom onto the bed next to them and covers Louis’ body with his own, kissing him deeply and running his fingers from Louis’ hip to his ribcage. Their dicks are rubbing together and Louis spreads his legs automatically.

“Slut.” Nick whispers to him. “Do you want it like this, on your back?”

“Yeah.” Louis has heard it’s more difficult that way, but what the fuck does he know? Nick is reaching for the lube and then his finger is in Louis’ arse. This is okay, Louis’ done this before. Then there are two and that’s okay too, then Nick is biting at his neck and clearly getting off on fingering him, which is hot. Louis moans and arches his back as Nick gets three fingers in him. His head is swimming and all he can smell is Nick’s cologne mixed with sweat. Nick’s saying something but he can’t focus on it. 

“Lou..”

“Yeah? Sorry, what?”

“Are you ready? Do you want to stop?”

Louis shakes his head again. “No, do it. Come on, fuck me, please.”

Nick nods, and lets go of him to put the condom on and Louis could stop this right now, but he doesn’t want to, he wants to do this. The first time he had sex he didn’t feel like he was giving anything to anyone. He remembers just thinking that he was doing it to get it out of the way, that the next time he’d make it good, the next time he’d enjoy it. Now he has another chance, he can make this first time good.

Nick’s on his knees, with the condom on, just looking at him. 

“Come on, fuck me. I want it, please.” 

Nick leans in and kisses him, then kisses his neck, and there it is. There’s such pressure on his hole he thinks he’s going to scream but then Nick gasps into his ear and he can’t help but keen into it. It hurts, but his dick is hard. He screws up his face and holds Nick close so he can’t see it and stop. He feels like his breath is being forced from his body but then, then something just happens, he opens up, or he relaxes, or Nick moves, but whatever it is, it’s fantastic. Nick is moving in him, someone is moving in him. It’s like Nick is possessing him, and he’s never felt this close to someone before. He’s moaning on every thrust and when he lets his eyes focus, Nick is looking straight at him with something like love in his eyes. It’s too much, way too much, and then Nick does something and Louis’ head falls back, he lets out a wail and he comes all over himself, white slivers like glitter flashing into his eyes and his body convulsing. He’s exhausted, Nick’s full weight is on him and he’s hot and wet and sticky. Then Nick rolls away and there’s cold air, and goose pimples. He’s so out of breath, all he can think about is the speed at which the pants are coming, and how the oxygen is rushing to his brain. 

By the time he starts to come round his eyes are wet and every other inward breath is a sob. He wipes his eyes and Nick strokes his face. 

“You okay?”

Louis manages to nod ,but he’s staring into Nick’s eyes, and he can’t stop looking. Nick is so beautiful right at that moment, and he’s looking at Louis like he’s scared of something. Is it just that he’s fucked him and now he’s crying or is it the same realisation as Louis? The realisation that something has changed. 

He doesn’t know he’s reaching out to Nick until he gets enveloped in his arms. Nick is holding him so tight and he just wants to stay there forever. Louis closes his eyes and accepts, he is totally and utterly fucked.


	6. Seclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Nick have a weekend away which makes them both realise what they could have.

Her name is Alicia, he never gets her surname. She’s pretty and a bit curvy and he’s never in any doubt that he can have her. It’s easy. They go to his place because Briana has taken Freddie upstate to see her cousins. 

She leaves quite quickly the following morning, not even staying for coffee. He feels slightly guilty that she doesn’t know she’s just a bit player in his ongoing sexuality crisis, but she seems perfectly happy to have added him to her conquests. They don’t exchange numbers and he doesn’t bother contacting his people for a heads up. She’s a little rich girl, doesn’t need the money and wouldn’t want to embarrass her daddy.

Her perfume lingers on the sheets so he rips them off and washes them, and hangs them on the washing line even though the neighbours tut when he does that. After all these years he still doesn’t like the smell of clothes from the dryer, and thinks it’s such a waste of sunshine not to line dry. If she were here, Briana would make fun of him. People don't hang out their washing in LA. 

Another package has arrived, and he doesn’t want anyone to know what it is, but for different reasons to the last one. He holds the bottle in his hand and muses on the fact that only a few weeks ago he was buying a sex toy, that it was still mostly physical. Now he has a bottle of Nick’s cologne in his hand. It’s expensive and he had a special scent consultation to find out it was the one that suited him best. To Louis it could be straight out of the Avon catalogue and he wouldn’t care, because it smells of Nick. He sprays it on the pillow case once it’s dry, and spends that night holding the pillow and panicking internally. 

The hetero one night stand was supposed to help, but it doesn’t. He thought it would make him feel better if he knew he could still get it up for a girl, but all it proved was that he could and he was therefore making a choice. He liked women, but he was choosing a man. And one man in particular he would give anything to have been with last night. He had been so close after the Brits to asking Nick when he could come out to LA, but he didn’t. After Nick had left for the radio station Louis had arranged to meet him back at Louis’ London place, and so far, touch wood, there have been no reports of them being there together.

Louis was a little less embarrassed of his London house than he had been of the first flat he’d bought on his own. He’d managed to get some of his personality in there, his framed Doncaster Rovers shirt, his awards, family pictures. It was only after he’d closed the door after the decorators that he’d realised he had basically copied the decor of Niall’s house. Nick had glanced around the white walls with black frames, the abundance of black and chrome and commented “Nice bachelor pad you’ve got here.”

They’d rolled around in Louis’ bed, he’d fucked Nick because Louis was still sore after the night before. Louis’ flight was at 7pm that evening so they made the most of it. Lying in each other's arms it was almost romantic. 

Louis toys with his phone, looking at Nick’s instagram. On a whim he follows him and then regrets it. People will read into it, following someone on instagram now is almost as bad as being pictured leaving their house in the morning. He follows some other people quickly to make it look like was doing it out of boredom and then flings the phone out of his reach. He wants Nick to come over but there are always too many people around nowadays. He texts Briana _how would you feel if I took a few days away next month?_ Maybe he and Nick could go somewhere for the weekend, just the two of them. She replies that that will be fine but reminds him of some dates in March that they have to see the pediatrician. He finds one suitable weekend and texts Nick asking if he can get away. Ten minutes later the answer comes back as yes and Louis gets straight on to his PA. He’s not in love. He’s not. Yet.

 

\--

 

The cabin is as expensive as it is private. It’s in a mobile signal dead zone and all they have is a landline to the estate management office. 

“Did you bring me out here to kill me or something? No internet and no phone signal? People will seriously worry about me, you know that?”

Louis rolls his eyes and unlocks the cabin door. Normally there would be a guide up here opening up for them but his instructions were that no-one was to know who was here. They were driven up to a secluded country road where a jeep was waiting for them. Then they drove themselves into the forest. Nick has commented more than once that it’s like the beginning of a horror movie.

The cabin has four rooms, a living room, a bedroom, a kitchen and a bathroom. There’s a deck outside with a hot tub and a big gas barbecue that Louis is really looking forward to firing up. It reminds him a bit of when he and the lads went to Harry’s dad’s house, just the five of them all cuddling up on the floor of the front room because they were convinced there was some unknown assailant out there in the darkness. He goes through to the bedroom and Nick follows him. It’s nice, a proper log cabin with just a dresser and a massive bed. There’s a huge skylight right over the bed so that you can sleep under the stars, and double french doors out to the hot tub. Louis feels like he never wants to leave. He feels Nick’s arms circle around him.

“This was a nice idea. What made you think of this?” He kisses Louis’ neck and nuzzles him. 

“Wanted to get away from everything. Just concentrate on you, not worry about photographers and schedules and work and all that shit. Just you and me, no distractions.”

“What if we kill each other?”

Louis laughs and turns to loop his arms around Nick’s neck. “At least it’ll be a huge scandal. ‘1D star and DJ found in sordid sex den double murder’.”

“Sex den eh? Here’s me thinking you were trying to be romantic.” Nick kisses him and his stomach rumbles.”Oh God, I’m so hungry, please don’t say you only have barbecue stuff because if you can’t get it to work I might eat my organic moisturiser.”

“How fucking dare you, I am a master barbecuer. What do you want, I’ve got wild boar burgers, ostrich steaks, everything.” He tries to ignore the look of fondness in Nick’s eyes but doesn’t manage it. “Come on, you sort the drinks out and I’ll fire up the barbie.”

They have wild boar burgers with Cheshire cheese, and lettuce at Nick’s insistence, then some chicken kebabs with peanut satay sauce and a few nice beers. They drink whiskey and coke in the hot tub and watch the sun go down, then when the gnats start to notice their presence they start the log fire in the sitting room and cuddle under a blanket eating Ben and Jerry’s with a single spoon. Louis is so relaxed that Nick is able to fuck him so much easier than the last time. The only sound in the silent forest is their breathing and the ‘I love you’ is so heavy on Louis’ tongue that it almost hurts not to say it. He tries to express it through his kiss, and his eyes, and hopes Nick can see it even though it can’t be spoken. 

Outside some low hanging branches shush on the skylight. Louis ends up lying with his head on Nick’s chest, listening to his heart beat. Nick’s voice rumbles through his chest. “Do you ever think about what we’re doing?”

“Yeah, when I rub one out.”

Nick’s chest shakes as he laughs. “You know what I mean.”

“I try not to, because then I remember that my life has to be based in LA with my son, and yours has to be here.” It helps that Louis can’t see Nick’s face because he feels the weight of the words and doesn’t want to see how they affect him.

“Is there no chance you’ll move back and bring up Freddie here?”

Louis can’t breathe. It’s the first time that either one of them has mentioned a future in which they might be together. Louis never thought it would be Nick who would bring it up. “That’s what I want, but Briana’s got her work and her family there, I don’t know. She should have her family around her, she’d be lonely over here. And I can’t be apart from him. That’s what I want though, I want it more than anything.”

They fall asleep after that, and Louis awakes to the birds singing outside. It’s ten am and he kisses Nick awake, sucks him off before he gets up to make them both breakfast. He gives Nick his tea and hands him a two year old copy of Country Life he finds under the coffee table before making them bacon and scrambled eggs with toast and bringing it to the bedroom.

“Proper little house husband you are aren’t you? Is this what comes with the package, breakfast in bed and Country Life?” Nick makes approving noises around his first mouthful of eggs.

“Just returning the favour for the bacon butties you gave me after our first time. Very hospitable of you.”

They eat in silence then give each other hand jobs in the shower before going for a walk in the forest. The sun is flooding through the trees and Nick takes Louis’ hand in the middle of a sentence like it’s the most normal thing ever. Louis finds a shiny stone and gives it to Nick and they sit on a log at the edge of a pond and watch the fish come up for the flies, Louis’ arm over Nick’s leg. When they reluctantly make their way back to the cabin Nick kisses Louis up against a tree and asks can they stay for the rest of the week. “I wish,” says Louis. “I’d love that.”

They’ve succeeded in making themselves doleful by the time they get back and Louis tries to lighten the mood by digging out a Monopoly game from a built in cupboard in the sitting room. They have barbecued ostrich steaks with potato wedges and get hammered on more whiskey and coke, Louis absolutely insisting that they finish the game. In order to try and lose Nick makes even more outrageous financial decisions including spending every penny he has on a hotel on Park Lane, then getting it all back when Louis lands on it one turn later. They piss themselves laughing at the game then finally Louis goes bankrupt when he gets a parking fine and they fall into bed.

There’s an urgency about their lovemaking this time, like they both know it will be the last time for a long time. Louis freezes when Nick says “Louis...I - “ but then doesn’t finish his sentence, just comes hard inside him and then holds him close, through the sweat and the steam. When they’re lying together afterwards Louis tries to map every inch of Nick’s body, trying to lock up the details in his mind, that little patch of rough skin on his elbow, the freckle on his hip. He falls asleep measuring the dip in Nick’s collarbone, and when they wake up they only have time to pack and leave.

They hold hands across the gear stick of the jeep and drive in silence. They’ve already had their last kiss, didn’t want to share it with anyone so went for one last short walk into the forest and kissed against the same tree as yesterday. They get back to London in the early evening and Louis has to go straight to the airport. They chat on whatsapp for the two hours that Louis is in the First Class lounge. When the boarding call comes Louis sends one last message.

_got to board now, ill miss you x x x_

Nick replies straight away.

_check your on the go playlist, i made it for you when you were making breakfast on satday morning x x x_

On the plane he pulls the blanket over his head before he presses play. This isn’t Nick selecting songs he thinks Louis might like. It’s Nick flicking through all of Louis’ songs and selecting the ones which say what he feels for Louis, and he doesn’t want the whole of First Class watching him cry. He presses play and hears the familiar chords of First Day Of My Life by Bright Eyes. He takes a deep breath and lets the music wash over him as tears run down his cheeks.

\---

Freddie is looking so much bigger now, he’s responding to Louis’ voice and moving around a lot more. He takes hundreds of pictures of him and sends one of the cutest ones to Nick and no-one else. Nick sends back a heart eyes emoji and ‘can’t wait to meet him’. He pictures Nick cradling Freddie and his stomach flips over.

He’s watching football with Freddie when Briana comes in and asks can they talk. 

“Sure, what’s the matter? Is everything alright?”

She nods, pushing her hair behind her ear. “I don’t know how you’re going to feel about this, but erm,” she shakes her hair out again and then tucks it back behind her ear. Louis feels bile rising in his throat, what can she be so nervous about? “I’m just going to come out and say it, I’ve been offered a job in London, and I really want to take it. What do you think?”

This is it, this is the universe calling his bluff. He doesn't quite believe it. “I...Yeah, that’s, that’s good but what about your mum?”

“She’s coming, for six months anyway, then...I don’t know but I have a really close friend who’s also been offered a job, it’s a new firm. I think I could really make the move, I think it’s what I need, and I thought you would prefer to be in England.” She reaches out and wiggles Freddie’s foot. “I think it would be great for your mom and your sisters to be closer, they can’t be flying out here all the time. I’ve always wanted to live in London, in fact when I got pregnant I thought about it then but my mom talked me out of it.”

Louis suddenly pictures it. He could buy a new house, Nick could move in, they could co-parent with Briana, have Freddie half the week, have time to themselves without having to miss Freddie. It's everything he wants, but he feels like he has to grasp for it carefully in case it shatters into a million pieces. “Let’s do it. I mean…I want to do it, definitely.” She beams and Louis breathes a sigh of relief. This was so easy, why was it so easy? What’s going to go wrong? “It’s really happening…” He looks down at Freddie and decides he has to be honest. “I’m kind of in a relationship, with someone in London, and I want him to be in Freddie’s life. How do you feel about that?”

Briana gapes. “Did you just say ‘him’?”

Louis nods. “Yeah, it’s..it’s a new thing but I’m serious about it, and he’s great with kids, he’s solid, he’s…” _got no idea what’s coming_. 

Briana nods slowly then her eyes widen. “Is that what the fucking dildo was for? Oh, sorry baby boy.” She reaches over to cover Freddie’s ears. 

Louis laughs. “Erm, yeah. Bit of a shock eh?”

“Yeah!” She softens and kisses him on the cheek. “Oh but I’m happy for you, I really am. And if you’re serious about him then I have no problem with him being in Freddie’s life.” She pauses. “What would you have done if I’d wanted to stay in LA though?”

Louis shrugs. “Freddie’s my priority, I wouldn’t leave him. But it would have been really hard, I guess we would have just had to break up.”

“Is it like a high profile person or a normal person?”

“He’s...Do you know who Nick Grimshaw is?”

“Fuck me! Oh sorry baby boy! But oh my God, really?”

Louis nods. “Even more of a shock.”

“Yeah...Well it’s good though, right, I mean he’s down with the lifestyle, he’s...protected in a way. A normal person might have been totally drowned by being in a relationship with you.” 

Louis isn’t sure if that’s an insult but he gets Briana’s meaning - a bloke who worked in a chip shop being revealed as Louis Tomlinson’s secret gay lover would have had a hell of a time. “He’s fine, he can play the game.”

“So I’m guessing you’re 100% for this London move?”

Louis grins “100%. Congratulations on the job by the way.”

She smiles and looks at her watch. “It’s his nap time, do you want me to take him?”

“No, I’ll put him down.” He goes to get up but Briana’s hand is on his arm. She kisses him on the cheek and gives a small smile.

“This is going to be great for both of us.” 

He nods and kisses her back, then takes Freddie upstairs for his nap. When he's out of sight of Briana he lets himself grin from ear to ear and punches the air with elation. He takes a quick selfie of them both before he puts Freddie down,and sends it to Nick. The caption reads “We’re coming home.”


	7. Shattered

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has some big plans for moving his relationship with Nick onto the next stage, but he forget to check whether Nick wants that too.

Although it was hard saying goodbye to Freddie for a week, Louis is re-assured that he’s only leaving so he can start their life in London. He can’t keep the smile off his face for the whole trip, being especially charming to the flight attendants and even giving a wave to the paps as he gets into his car at Heathrow.

London is sunny and everyone seems to have a spring in their step. He wants to see Nick desperately but Nick has some work commitments and Louis has to view a house that Briana has chosen in principle. “Just make sure there are no holes in the walls or anything, I’m sure that’s the one”, she had said, and Louis wasn’t going to argue. He just wanted the whole move to go quickly so that they could be here full time. After he had texted Nick that they were coming home they’d skyped and Nick had seemed excited, but there was something there that Louis couldn’t put his finger on, a bit of hesitation. He’d put it down to just tiredness or something, after all they had had such an amazing weekend away and Nick couldn’t not want him to be here more often. Their goodbyes were getting harder and harder and they texted or spoke every single day. Nick loved pictures of Freddie and was great with kids anyway, so Louis was really keen to have Nick in Freddie’s life and get Freddie used to him. 

He opens his photos and flicks to one he downloaded from whatsapp. Louis had messaged Nick that he had had a great time on the weekend away, and asking if he had too. Nick had just sent back a picture of the shiny stone Louis had given him. He’d kept the stone, and now Louis kept the picture to look at whenever he needed a reminder that they were serious about each other. 

The house is fine, four bedrooms and a large garden, home gym and home cinema. It’s white and new and bright inside, not Louis’ type of place but almost the image of Briana’s place in LA. There’s no pool but Louis can put one in, he likes the idea of teaching Freddie how to swim. He shakes the estate agent’s hand and tells him to make a cash offer at the asking price of 3.6 million. It’s a lot, but it’s for his son. He wants Briana to have somewhere nice because then she’s more likely to stay. He sends some pictures of the guest bedroom and en suite to Briana’s mum to try to get her on side, then texts Nick and asks him when he can see him.

“Thanks Mr Tomlinson, I’ll call you as soon as I hear back from the vendor.” The estate agent opens his car door and Louis stops him on a whim.

“Is there anything else in the area, about 4 beds, close to this one?”

The estate agent looks a bit uncertain. “Well, yes, would you like to me hold off from calling the vendor?”

“No, no, I definitely want this one, just wondering if there’s anywhere else, nearby.”

The agent looks relieved and says he can email through some properties before driving off. Louis drives around the neighbourhood a bit and is about to head home when he turns down a street and sees the perfect house. It’s set way back off the road, big gravel driveway. He can imagine lots of cars on the front at Christmas as both their families converge, Freddie trying to totter out to get to his grandparents in his little Christmas jumper, Pig running around excitedly while Nick’s dad tells him off for not helping get the presents out of the car, Jay trying to corral all of the kids inside. He wants it so much he can almost touch it. He wants Freddie to have a childhood like he had, with lots of kids around, lots of chaos, good natured banter and noise. He takes a few pictures of it and looks it up on rightmove. He loves it, lots of room for people to stay, pool at the back, big garden for playing football in. He’s secretly glad that Briana didn’t see this one first. 

He emails the agent asking for a viewing and sees a text from Nick saying he can come straight over. He takes another look at the dream house and smiles, thinking of how great it will look with Nick’s interior design going on. Pig will love the garden. They’ll have to keep her out of the pool though.

He daydreams all the way to Nick’s and doesn’t even think about paps until he pulls up outside the house. He takes a cursory glance around but then shrugs - if he’s going to do this, live with Nick, have Freddie there - then they’re going to have to be seen together before long. He knocks on the door and beams as he sees Nick. “Let me in, I want to see my baby girl.”

Nick smiles and closes the door behind him. “She’s in the doghouse for eating socks again, so don’t spoil her, she’s evil.”

Louis crouches to stroke Pig and scratch her stomach, and it’s then he notices all the boxes. “Are you going somewhere?” His stomach clenches. 

“Er, yeah, I’ve kind of bought a house? It’s mad, it’s like the third one I’ve made an offer on and the others got knocked back so I didn’t even think I’d get it, but I did, and er, yeah, it’s out in Hackney.”

“Hackney’s like an hour away from where I live.” Louis stands up but feels his legs wobble. Pig wanders off, forgotten. Nick still hasn’t hugged him or kissed him hello but now there’s an awkwardness between them - he was obviously hoping Louis would he happy for him.

“Nah, about 45 minutes, only ten more minutes from here. Bit closer than LA anyway.” He looks confused and shrugs. “Anyway, give us a cuddle, we’re supposed to be celebrating aren’t we, you’re coming back.”

They hug but Louis breaks away and looks at Nick. “How could you not tell me you were moving? That’s a big deal and you didn’t even tell me.”

“I didn’t know until a few days ago, I thought I may as well tell you in person.” Nick furrows his brow. “Is everything alright?”

“No! It’s…” Louis can feel himself losing control of his emotions but he’s either going to rant or cry and he doesn’t want to cry. “I thought...I’m moving back here, I’m buying a new house, I thought we could, I mean, I thought you wanted to be in my life, and Freddie’s life. Not be 45 minutes away like you are now.”

Nick looks totally confused and it makes Louis even more frustrated. “I do want to be in his life, it’s not like I’m moving to Oldham, I’ll be less than an hour away, I don’t get it, I mean I’m more or less the same distance away now, I don’t see what’s changed.”

“When you’re in a baby’s life it doesn’t mean an hour away, it means right there. What if he’s sick in the middle of the night and Briana calls and I’m forty minutes drive away at yours? You always going back and to to your place is going to confuse him, he won’t bond with you if you’re always coming and going.”

Nick has a look on his face which Louis has never seen before, he wonders if this is his business face, the one he uses when he’s negotiating half a million pound Topman contracts. “Wait, did you think I was going to move in? I’ve literally just bought a house.”

“Sell it, we’ll buy the new one together, I’ve seen one this morning that’s perfect, sell yours and we’ll put an offer in.”

“I don’t want to sell mine, it took me ages to even choose it. Did you really think I was going to be living with you when you moved back here?”

“Well why not?” Louis can hear a crack in his voice. This is all unravelling and that’s not in the script. 

“Why not?!” Nick is almost laughing, and it hurts. “Do you not think it’s a bit of a jump from shagging to moving in without anything in between? I mean, do you - “

“Yes, I do, I do love you.” Louis regrets it as soon as it leaves his lips, because Nick looks shocked. He looks sick and shocked. His tone softens like he’s delivering bad news. 

“I was going to say ‘do you think we’re there yet?’.”

Louis feels his lip wobble. So this is it, this is how it all comes crashing down. He knew it was too good to be true. This is Briana all over again, his clumsy proposal which was met with pity. “Oh Louis, no, you don’t have to do that.” She’d said, but Louis had wanted it, wanted a family. Wanted to be normal. 

“I really like you, I mean, it’s more than that, I...I just think this is all a bit fast for me. I really want to be with you and I know you’ve got a baby and that’s fine, but going from holding hands and having one weekend away to moving in together and raising a child, that’s too much. I’ve never even owned a proper house before and I want to do that before I move in with someone else. I want to do things with my own life before I settled down with a partner and a baby. I don’t know, maybe we should…”

Louis doesn’t hear the rest because his head echoes like he’s underwater. His eyes are wet and he feels sick. “Why does no-one ever want me?” He looks up and Nick isn’t saying anything, he’s just staring at him, so Louis ups the volume. “Why does nobody ever fucking want me!?” 

He clenches his fists as if all of his sanity is balled up inside of them and if he lets go, it will just float away. “My real dad didn’t want me, my stepdad left, my sisters don’t know me, my brother doesn’t know me, Eleanor left me, Zayn left me, Harry left me, Briana didn’t want me and now you don’t want me either, and I would have given up everything for you. Why can’t I have it? Why can’t have what I want? I don’t want anything else, just you and my baby and a family, that’s all I want, it’s not even that much Nick!” He looks up at Nick but can’t see his expression through the tears. “It’s not even that much.” His voice breaks and he sobs, not caring how ugly it makes him. He has nothing left, no hope of keeping Nick, no hope of the end game that he sacrificed everything for, and now all there is is the death rattle, the final scream. He collapses onto the sofa and puts his head on his folded arms, just like he always did when he was small and inconsolable. He cries and cries and cries. It’s over, it’s all over, and though Nick can save him him with one word, all he hears is his own sobbing. He can’t tell if Nick is even still here. 

Everything hurts. His eyes sting, his throat hurts, his muscles ache in his chest and his face. He suddnely realises he’s in Nick’s house, and he needs to leave, so he tries to stand up. His legs go from under him and Nick rushes to his side.

“Okay, okay, sit down.”

“I need to throw up,” Louis chokes out, and runs to the bathroom where he just about makes it before he brings up bile and water.He’d been too excited about the house to eat. He sits back against the bath and tries to breathe. Nick sits next to him and pushes a glass of water into his hands. Louis takes one sip before he’s nearly sick again and he sets it down next to him. “I’m sorry.” He wants to say so much more, that he knows Nick never asked for this, that night when they played spin the bottle and just kissed and laughed. But this is what Louis brings with him. Emotional baggage, possessiveness, neediness. Crying and wailing and vomiting when everything falls apart. It’s all he’s got to offer, really. No fucking wonder no-one wants it.

He looks up at Nick and nearly throws up again. Nick’s eyes are wet, his face is ghostly white, he looks terrible. “What’s the matter?”

Nick puts his hand to Louis’ forehead. “Can you hear me, are you understanding me? Lou?”

Louis nods, confused. “Course I can. Yeah.”

Nick takes a breath and takes Louis’ head in his hands, kissing his forehead gently. “I’ve been talking to you for like, a minute, and you were just staring, like I wasn’t here.”

“No you weren’t…”

“I was, Louis. Didn’t you hear me?”

Louis’ head hurts. He feels dehydrated so he picks up the water but Nick has to help him and then he sees that both their hands are shaking. He stares at his hand and then looks at Nick. “I can’t...I can’t stop it.”

“It’s okay, just breathe.” There’s a tremble in Nick’s voice and he’s still as white as a sheet.

“I can’t stop shaking Nick, what’s happening. I can’t breathe.”

“You can breathe because you’re talking, I think you’re having a panic attack, okay? You need to just breathe.”

Louis reaches for him, the tremor in his hands almost ridiculous. “Hold me, please. Don’t leave me. I’m sorry. You don’t have to be with me, just don’t leave me like this, please.”

Nick holds him awkwardly, not able to get his arms all the way around the way they’re sat on the floor. Louis clings to him, trying to tune in to the mantra of ‘breathe, it’s okay, just breathe’, that Nick is whispering into his ear. He’s just starting to calm when the words change. 

“Okay. Okay I’m in. I’m in.”

The tears have probably been on his cheeks this whole time but Louis now feels them, cold and ticklish against his skin. “What?”

Nick is kissing his head, holding him closer. “I’m not selling my house, but I’m in, with you. With Freddie, with all of it. I’ll try. I can only say I’ll try my best.”

Louis sniffs. “I don’t want you to say that because I’m a mess, don’t say it now just because I’ve had a breakdown.”

“That’s exactly why I’m saying it.”

Louis looks up at Nick and his eyes are ringed with red. They’re puffy and wet, but they’re kind somehow. 

“I don’t know if you’ve been paying attention to my love life but I always get out before it gets serious, just a hint of seriousness and I’m out the fucking door. Asking me to family meals, inviting me to weddings, talking about the future, all sure fire ways of getting rid of me. I got my heart broken once and I wanted to die. I swore I’d never feel like that again, so I never let anyone close to me. Binned them off as soon as they looked like they cared. Which raises the question, why am I here, with you, on the bathroom floor?”

“Because I’m freaking out.”

“Not my problem mate, do you know what I would have normally done? Called one of your mates as soon as you got upset, told them to come and get you. Not my fucking problem. Except you are, I can’t do that to you, you are my problem, because I appear to be in fucking love with you, and it scares me fucking shitless because you’re famous, everyone thinks you’re straight, you’ve got a baby, you’ve got responsibilities. I can’t be your priority. It’s a fucking terrible idea, this whole relationship. So why am I on the bathroom floor with you? Why aren’t I calling one of your mates to come and sort you out?”

There’s a tear on Louis’ cheek which doesn’t belong to him, and he’s listening intently because he thinks Nick just said he loved him, but he also sounds like he’s seconds away from leaving.

“I love you Louis. I’m so totally fucked, and I’m scared shitless, and I’m not selling my house, that house is the only thing keeping me sane right now. But I am in. I’m not leaving. And with Freddie, I’ll be whatever you want me to be. But you’ve got to give me some time, love. I’ve got to take it slow or I’ll go mad.”

“What are you saying?” Louis wants to turn to him, to see into that unguarded face and immediately know his fate, but he feels that if he moves he might shatter everything.

“I’m saying...let’s get up off the bathroom floor, have a brew, and talk about the next week. Not the next month, or the next year, just the next week. And we’ll take it one week at a time. That’s all I can do. Take it or leave it.”

“I’ll take it.”

“Come on then.” 

Louis hears Nick’s joints click as he gets up and then looks up at him. He reaches out and Nick pulls him up, then into a hug. Nick feels solid against him, as solid as he felt that first time when Louis had noticed how strong and commanding he could be. He feels safe in his arms, he trusts that Nick won’t hurt him, and that’s a feeling he’s not had about anyone for such a long time.

Nick breaks away and puts an arm around his shoulder, leading him to the couch. There are tissues and a tube of hand cream on the table and Louis blows his nose and rubs some of the cream onto his face to try and stop the rawness from the salt tears. When Nick comes back with their tea he puts the mugs down on the table and curls up, pulling Louis into his arms.

“Okay, let’s negotiate. So I’ve said I need to take things slow, what about you? Give me your demands.”

Louis sniggers. “I don’t have any, I’ll do whatever you want.”

“No, that won’t work. Come on, be honest now. This is the honesty couch, let’s have it.”

Louis takes a deep breath. “I want you to say you’re my boyfriend. That we’re together. That we’re a couple.”

“Who to?”

“Just to me.”

“Okay, I’m your boyfriend, we’re together, we’re a couple. That was easy.”

“Your turn.”

Nick buries his face in Louis’ hair. “I think you should have some counselling, to talk through all that stuff that you said about people not wanting you and leaving you. You said Harry left you, he didn’t. You said Briana left you but she didn’t.”

“She didn’t leave me but I… I asked her to get back together, early on. She said no, she said it wasn’t...necessary. She gave me this pitying look. And Harry… he used to look at me like I was the most important thing to him in the entire world. He was so impressed by me, but then he got older, he outgrew me. He started hanging round with people who impressed him more, and I stayed the same. I became a fuck up, and he became the success.”

“That’s not true. He owes a lot to you, how he is, his confidence, he got that from you. You don’t see how you’ve influenced every one of those lads, they looked up to you. You changed them, you got them through all that madness with the band, they couldn’t have done it without you.”

“How do you know all this?”

“Harry told me.”

Louis blinks. “Really? He said that?”

“He used to talk about you all the time, he still does. He knows he wouldn’t be who he is now without you to look up to. Just think what a brilliant dad you’re going to be if you can to that for four complete strangers.”

“If you’re nice to me, I might cry again.”

“That’s my job from now on, to be nice to you. Your turn.”

Louis moves to face him and runs a hand through Nick’s hair. “Maybe you could do with talking to someone, about your relationship thing. About commitment.”

Nick nods slowly. “That’s fair enough. My turn - you’re not going to freak out about me keeping my own house. Do you understand why I need to keep it and why that isn’t about you, it’s about me?”

“Yeah. I get it. I do. I’m sorry I freaked out. Okay, I’ve only got one more. When you have feelings about what we’re doing, you have to talk to me, don’t bottle it up. That’s it.”

“Okay. I promise. And that’s it for me too, I haven’t got anything else. Apart from…”

Louis nods. “Anything.”

“I want five blowjobs a week, non-negotiable.”

Louis manages a snigger which almost turns into a sob. “You know we very nearly had a serious adult conversation there.”

Nick buries his face in Louis’ neck and his laugh rumbles through Louis’ entire body. “Lucky escape.”

Louis wriggles and turns to face him. “So do you love me?”

“I love you.” He looks embarrassed to be saying it, in the same way that all northern men are. 

“I love you too. It’s all going to be alright isn’t it?”

“I dunno, but let’s do our best, yeah?” 

Nick kisses him and Louis smarts at the rawness of the skin around his eyes.


	8. Settling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This are finally starting to settle down. Apart from everything that isn't.
> 
> (This chapter is from Nick's POV)

Nick runs his fingertips over the perfect curve of Louis’ bottom and gently cants his hips. This is his favourite thing to do sometimes, just enjoy Louis’ body, kiss him, stroke him, hold him. This is the farthest they could ever be from fighting and so this is where Nick likes to try and keep him. His boyfriend’s smooth, toned, body on top of his, undulating, giving little moans and sighs, his face a picture of serenity when Nick dares to open his eyes and catch a look. He turns his hand to let his knuckles fall between Louis’ arse cheeks, delighting in the gasp it brings. Almost reluctantly he pats the bed until he finds the pump bottle of lube and messily squeezes some onto his fingers, brushing across Louis’ hole and moaning at how Louis gets harder at the thought of being fucked. 

Nick fingers him as deep as he can go from this prone position before Louis finally starts to fidget and fuck back onto his fingers. Then, to Nick’s utter ecstasy, Louis pulls himself up and sits back onto Nick’s cock as if it’s the easiest thing in the world. So different from the first few times, when Louis was still nervy and inexperienced, a permanent furrow in his brow until Nick got into his stride and he relaxed. Now he looks like a porn star, head thrown back, thighs tensing and releasing, abs twitching while he fucks himself. Nick puts his hands on Louis’ hips and thrusts and Louis smiles, moans, bites his lip. God, he’s beautiful. His eyelashes flutter and the light hits the thin sheen of sweat on his skin and Nick wants to lick every inch of him. 

Nick makes that noise which means he has about three thrusts left and Louis knows it, hears it. He takes Nick’s hand and puts it on his dick, covering it with his own and stroking until Nick comes hard and Louis follows. Louis extricates himself and then lies flush against Nick, his face in the crook of his neck. “That was good.”

“Understatement.” Nick manages before he has to stop and cough. Fuck, he thought giving up fags meant less coughing, but the stuff’s still coming off his lungs after two weeks and he would pay £1000 for just one drag right now. He wraps his arms tighter around Louis as the sweat cools on their skin and kisses his head. He wants to cover them up but they’re on top of the sheets and the throw is laying on the floor where Louis tossed it when they fell into bed. He grumbles and rolls them onto their sides instead. “I love you.”

“I love you. Coming in the shower with me?”

Nick nods but makes no move to get out of bed so Louis pulls at his arms like he’s a poorly fashioned puppet until he groans and submits. The en suite in this house is about three steps further from the bed and Nick feels every one. “Need to get a new house with a closer bathroom.” he moans while Louis laughs at him.

“Such a prima donna. I bet you never had your own bathroom at your mum’s house did you?”

Nick catches him from behind, unable to keep his hands off Louis when he’s presented the view of that arse. “No, and I deserve my own after having to use it after our Andrew.” Louis turns in his arms and he kisses him. “How long have we got?”

Louis looks to his left as if the answer is written there. “About half an hour.”

“Oh no, Briana’s gonna see we’ve both got wet hair and know what we’ve been up to.” He pushes open the bathroom door and idly glances about for a shower cap. He stays in enough hotels, he should have thousands by now. He clicks on the shower and grimaces as Louis steps in before it’s even warmed up.

“She won’t care. Dry it if you have to, or do you need your personal stylist to come and do that for you?”

Nick admires his boyfriend’s form, temporarily forgetting how many bodily fluids are currently sinking into his gaping pores. He shakes his head and gets in behind Louis, blocking the jet with his head and letting Louis shiver. He loves doing that. “Or you could dry yours, I’ve got straighteners, you could go back to your 2010 style.”

Louis pushes him back. “Stop hogging the water, I need to get your come out of me.”

“Ugh that’s disgusting.”

“Well you did it!”

Fair enough, Nick thinks. They’ve only just started doing it without a condom, Nick being clean already and Louis getting his results back virtually overnight because he threw enough money at it. He’d told him about some girl he’d had sex with in LA but Nick found he wasn’t at all bothered about that. If anything it made him happy that Louis knew what he was about now and wasn’t about to have another gay panic. He soaps up the sponge from the side and smooshes it in Louis’ face.

“Fuck off dickhead! My skin’ll get all dry now.” He still has a blob of suds on his nose and Nick licks it off and then regrets it.

“Ugh, soapy.”

Louis just laughs and shakes his head. “Knobhead, you are.”

Nick can’t help but cuddle him, and they stand there holding each other until Louis gives another shiver.

“Come on ,we’ll be late.” Louis kisses him and steps out of the shower, grabbing one of the giant grey towels and dripping all over Nick’s bedroom floor as he wanders off to dry himself.

“It’s called the bathroom for a reason you know, dripping everywhere.” But Louis hasn’t heard him. Nick feels so perfectly content that he’s almost tempted to call today off. He would if he couldn’t guess what Louis’ face would be like. It’s not that he doesn’t want to meet Freddie, he does, but what if the baby doesn’t like him? What if he’s nothing but awkward around him? What if Briana decides she’s against the whole thing? He thinks about the room at the house that he hasn’t let Louis see yet. They’re not supposed to have secrets, they’re not supposed to lie. But Nick had conveniently not given Louis a proper tour of the house, distracting him with kisses and sex.

“Hurry up, I’m ready, come on.”

Nick sighs. “Coming.” Well, here they go.

\--

Briana is typically radiant, blonde and pretty and clean skinned and glowing like one of those tumblr aesthetic posts with the black ballet pumps, nude nail polish, Marc Jacobs handbag. Nick can’t imagine Louis with her, but he knows it must have happened at least once. He stands back from the scene a little as she brings Freddie out to Louis’ car already in his seat. She does the handover talk that his friends always give to him when he’s babysitting.

“He’s just been fed thirty minutes ago, I just changed his diaper and he has two bottles in there and the formula.”

“I’ve got SMA at my house.”

“Ok, well there’s more in there, or do you want to leave it here?”

“Nah, I’ll take it and use it, no point in opening new ones. There’s nothing else I need is there?”

“I don’t think so. Should I check the bag again?”

Nick doesn’t want to seem impatient so he keeps his mouth shut instead of saying “We’re only five minutes down the road, I’m sure he’ll survive.” like he wants to. It’s Briana’s first baby, she’s bound to be anxious.

Louis straps the seat into the back and then there’s nothing to do but both give Briana awkward hugs and settle in for the grueling 100 meter journey to Louis’ place. Of course Louis’ drives like a thousand year old snail so it seems to take ages. Nick grabs the baby bag while Louis gets Freddie so he doesn’t seem like such a spare part, and they go inside to Louis’ new plush living room with the giant TV and the black squashy sofas.

“Do want a drink?”

Nick wants a beer but it’s probably not on to be drinking whilst in charge of an infant. “I’ll have a diet coke if you’ve got one.”

“I think I have, just keep an eye on him, back in a sec.” 

As soon as Louis leaves, Freddie starts squirming, unable to see any familiar shapes which might give him things he needs. He grumbles and squeaks and then starts to sort-of-cry so Nick takes an executive decision and unclips him from the car seat. At this point he actually cries and Nick can hear Louis saying something though he can’t make out the words. Nick picks Freddie up.

“Come on little lad, did you get left?” He holds Freddie against his shoulder and shushes him, gently bobbing from side to side. 

Freddie makes another indignant noise then stops and settles, just as Louis appears at the door.

“Is he…”

Nick smiles. “He’s fine.” And he is. He’s content, being held by Nick. He’s relaxed. He’s got his head against Nick’s chest, right where his heart is beating, and he’s relaxed. 

Louis beams. “He likes you then?”

“Probably never been this far off the ground before, he’s just got vertigo.”

Louis smirks back. “Arsehole. I’ll get your drink.”

Nick walks Freddie around the room, talking to him. “That’s a Doncaster Rovers shirt, you don’t have to support them, you could support United like my dad, and then we’ll take you to Old Trafford, that’s a proper ground. I don’t even know what Doncaster’s ground’s called, that’s how famous they are.”

“It’s called the Keepmoat Stadium and he’ll support United over my dead body.”

Nick chuckles. “You could have Doncaster as your second team, it’s alright they’ll never play United, they’re about five leagues apart.”

“I swear you will never see my son again if you keep on like that. Drink your coke, you traitor.”

Louis settles the glass, with ice and lemon which Nick plans to tease him about, on a coaster and holds his arms out. “Come on, stop brainwashing him.”

Nick turns away jealously. “No, we’re bonding, he likes me. He’ll only cry if you make him leave me, everyone does.”

Louis shrugs and sits down with his… yes he’s got a fucking beer in his hand.

“Are you drinking in charge of a baby?”

“I’m only having one, and seeing as you’re on coke you can drive in an emergency.” He winks and takes a long drink. “Ah, that’s so nice. Shame you didn’t want one.”

“Fuck you.”

Louis starts, then laughs. “Every time Briana swears around him she covers his ears.”

Nick rolls his eyes. “He can’t understand it, can he? His first word will probably be ‘Harry’ anyway knowing our luck.”

Louis forces a laugh and Nick instantly regrets mentioning the H word.

“So he’s still not seen him?”

“He saw him the week after he was born. He sends stuff.”

Yeah, thinks Nick. He always sends stuff.

“Why don’t you invite all the lads to see him? Have a lad’s day in, fire the barbecue up? I bet the reason he’s not been coming is he feels like he’ll be intruding, you know what he’s like, loves to be invited.”

Louis contemplates. “That’s a fucking brilliant idea. Lads day! And you’ll be here I suppose.”

“Hey! I can be laddy. It’ll be a laugh, won’t it little mate?”

Freddie makes some sort of gurgling acknowledgement that he’s being looked at and Nick’s face lights up. 

“Okay, I’ll text them. God knows when we can make it happen like..”

“He’s back in the vicinity doing that filming soon isn’t he? I think he’ll be in London for a week then he goes to France.”

“You know more than me then, will you ask him?” Louis looks slightly hurt, and Nick knows what it’s like to be on the outside of Harry’s sphere, even when it’s accidental. 

“Yeah, come over here.” Nick sits down, sinking into the sofas and passes Freddie to his dad, pulling his phone out.

“Hello fella, has Daddy Nick been telling you all kinds of nonsense about United. They’re on the way down, they’ll sack their manager soon and if they think Mourinho’s going to…”

Louis chunners on about football and Nick concentrates on not freaking out as he fake trawls through his contacts. _Daddy Nick?_ Fuck. He gets a cold feeling in his stomach as he opens a new text. _Daddy Nick_. He starts to text then has a chilling realisation.

“Shit!” 

“What?” Louis looks at him with concern. “What’s happened?” 

“None of them know about us.” Nick can’t believe he never thought of this before. No-one knows. They’ve been on such a high since Louis’ mini breakdown that they’ve never actually told anyone they were together. “Do Liam and Niall know?” 

“No, only Briana. Fuck, no-one knows! Can’t exactly invite them round and just let them work it out can we? It’d be like an episode of Hollyoaks.” 

Nick’s cold feeling returns. “I won’t come. Just do it anyway, I won’t come and then... I don’t know, we can tell them individually or something. Or...not.” 

Louis’ face clouds over. “No! You are coming, and we’re hosting it together, as a couple and if they don’t like it they can fuck off. They’re our friends, if they don’t like me being with you then...then they don’t like my family and they can fuck off.” 

“You don’t mean that.” _Please mean that._

“I do! I don’t want them as friends if they don’t want us being together.” Freddie starts to cry and Louis softens and shushes him. “Shh, sorry love, shh, it’s okay.” 

“Maybe you could like, invite them round individually before that? Maybe not Harry, he won’t have the time.” 

“You could go and see Harry couldn’t you? Could you go out there?” 

“To LA?” He’s about to tell Louis not to be ridiculous because he has an actual job, but something tells him it’s not the right time for a reality check. “Sure, yeah.” 

“Okay, you deal with Harry, I’ll deal with the rest of them. Fuck, I completely blanked on that. They don’t even know about us.” He laughs nervously. “Have you told anyone?” 

“No, like, no-one. And I never do that because my friends are like detectives. They know something’s up, they just haven’t pressed me on it. Amazingly.” 

“What about your family?” 

“No. You?” 

“No...I only told Briana when she told me she was moving to London.” He pauses and Nick can see he’s nervous about something. “Do you ever think like, what if it’s too hard when other people know? I mean, not too hard but...harder?” 

Nick nods. “Yeah. But I was trying not to think about it. We had enough issues when it was only us that knew.” 

“I love you. I love you and this is happening so..it’s happening.” Louis sets his determined little face, and Nick feels like that’s the most romantic thing he’s ever said. 

The rest of the evening passes with a weird static around it. Freddie gets put to bed, they call for takeaway because Louis didn’t realise he had an electric oven and neither of them know how to use it, and they snuggle on the sofa not watching Captain America on Sky Movies. When they finally fall into bed the baby monitor is on the bedside table and it seems weird to try and have sex when a baby’s cry might interrupt them, not that either of them are in the mood. 

The next day Nick has to sleep at his because of work so Louis hands off Freddie back to Briana and they make their way to Nick’s place in an awkward silence. Nick would kill for a cigarette and he’s seen Louis nibbling his fingers too but they made a pact that it wasn’t good for the baby and so, here they are, their nerve wracked bodies with no idea how to compensate for the nicotine. When they get out of the car at Nick’s, Louis’ shoulders are down and Nick hates it. They were so happy yesterday, then Nick had to fucking ruin it with his talk of Harry and barbecues and telling everybody about their fledgling relationship. He glances up to one of the bedroom windows and takes a deep breath. In for a penny, in for a fucking pound. 

“I need to show you something.” 

“What?” 

“In the house, come on.” He opens the door and doesn’t look back, shushing Pig and asking her if she enjoyed her sleepover with Aunty Gillian. He heads up the stairs, listening for the sounds of Louis following him. His bedroom is the first on the right, but he heads for the one second on the left. Louis hasn’t seen this room. He steps inside and turns the light on, then stands in the centre and waits, taking long, deep breaths so he doesn’t die. This is either a great idea, or the worst idea in the world, and he can’t work out which one it is. 

Louis steps inside and looks around. Nick looks at his face and he thinks he’s happy. Thinks. Then Louis grins. “It’s Doncaster!” 

Nick nods. One wall of the nursery has a mural of Doncaster, not geographically accurate, but showing the Dome, the stadium, the racecourse, the medieval gateway with its pig and sheep statues on terracotta columns, all stylised like a tourist postcard, laid out on rolling hills and cobble streets. 

On the facing wall the mural is of London. As well as the usual landmarks there’s broadcasting house, and the O2. On the wall with the window is LA, the Hollywood sign, Mann’s Chinese theatre, Disneyland. 

Louis turns to look at the wall opposite the Doncaster mural. “Where’s that?” 

This one had been harder for the artist he’d hired. There was a mill, and a canal and a reservoir, and a llama from the llama park. In the distance there was Old Trafford, and the Palace Theatre, because his home town couldn’t fill a wall. “It’s Oldham. And a bit of Manchester. It’s a nursery, for when Freddie comes. I thought..it’d be nice to have...so he knows where he’s from and...like..if my mum, I mean if we take him to my parents’, they’ll take him to the reservoir even though it’s boring, and they’ll think the llama park is great but he’ll probably be scared of them and...so…” He ran out of thoughts ages ago but Louis still isn’t saying anything and Nick can’t bear to turn and look at him. He shouldn’t have included Oldham. Too presumptuous, to think that Freddie would ever see Nick as a part of his life that was significant. He swallows hard and turns round. Louis is crying. 

“It’s...it’s brilliant. It’s just brilliant. Thank you.” He opens his arms and Nick goes to him, lets him sob into his chest. His perfect, unpredictable Louis. 

“I love you.” 

“I love you so much Nick,and it’s gonna be fine, and he’ll see all these places, with us, and he’ll have the best life…” Louis’ voice breaks and he clings to Nick again. 

“I know, love, I know.” _I hope._


	9. Sunshine

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Nick has to bite the bullet and tell Harry about he and Louis

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for your patience, sorry it's been so long without an update but Life happened. Thanks for your messages on tumbr, it's nice to know that people are waiting for more x

Vic rolls her eyes when Nick mentions his trip to LA but he won’t miss any shows, though Monday’s might be a bit of a shambles. He has to go midway through the last bit of the Nixtape but no-one seems to notice he doesn’t do the handover to Clara and before long he’s in the First Class lounge sinking a free beer and rehearsing what to say to Harry. The flight is uneventful, he sleeps through most of it, only waking up to watch Clueless and then dozing again until he’s awakened by the landing announcement. 

He’s in the car on the way to Harry’s when the bottom seems to drop out of his stomach and he wonders whether he should ask the driver to pull over so he can do his own Harry Styles Pacific Coast Highway Vom. Instead he cracks the window and sips on airline bottled water. He quickly texts Louis that he’s landed and five minutes later gets an emoji back, that kind of worried face one. He texts back that it will be fine, and he’s glad Louis isn’t there to see he’s lying.

As soon as the car pulls up Harry is there, shorts and tshirt, barefoot, newly short hair and a beaming smile. He pulls Nick into a tight hug and hands a fifty dollar bill to the driver, taking Nick’s luggage from him and talking ten to the dozen as he leads him into the house. 

“It’s so good to see your face man, I’m actually going to be back in London soon, I told you didn’t I? We’re just on a little break and then I’ll be filming some stuff back in France and then some on the south coast maybe, I can’t remember, but I’ll definitely have time to hang out so we should do that.”

Nick barely hears any of that and suddenly Harry is looking at him with a puzzled expression. 

“Are you alright? Bad flight?” Harry hugs him again and lets their lips graze for a brief second. Oh God. “Is this a booty call?”

Harry seems to take Nick’s paralysis as a positive sign and kisses him again. God those lips. Harry tilts his head to deepen it and Nick lets him, having no idea how to get out of this. It’s just a little kiss, Louis won’t mind, and God knows Nick has not had enough practice at not giving Harry what he wants. Harry pulls away and winks at him. “Fancy a swim? Pool beers?”

Nick nods and goes for his bag. “Second on the right, yeah?” Harry always puts him in the room that gets the sunrise in the morning. It’s also next to Harry’s. 

“Yeah, I’ll be in the pool.” He furrows his brow.” Are you alright Grim?”

Fuck no. “Yeah I’m fine, just a bit...jet lagged, the pool will sort me out.” He heads up the stairs and actually makes it into the room before flinging himself down and primal screaming into the pillow. His hand hits something and….yep, Harry has put condoms and lube packets under the pillow. Right, he was going to wait until the right time but knowing him Harry will be balls deep in him before that moment comes. He strips and pulls on his swimming shorts, time to face the music, preferably not with a huge erection. 

Harry grins when he sees him. “You alright?”

“Yeah, better.” Nick slips into the water and Harry hands him a beer from an ice bucket. He necks about half in one go and takes a deep breath. Then Harry’s hand is on his dick. He panics and lurches away not very gracefully. “Er, Haz, I’ve er…”

“Oh God, you’re getting married or something..” Harry grins and goes back to his beer.

“No...well, I mean…I’m with someone.”

Harry makes an apologetic face. “Anyone I know?”

Nick laughs. Then he laughs more. Then he laughs more. Then he cries a bit.

“Jesus Nick, what’s wrong?” Harry is laughing a bit but he’s clearly freaked out.

Nick takes a deep breath again. “I came to invite you to something. We’re having like a housewarming type thing, barbecue, at Louis’ new place.”

Harry shakes his head. “What? None of that makes sense.”

“Me and Louis. We’re together, he’s, we’re having a barbecue at his place. And I came to invite you.”

“Your new fella’s name’s Louis?”

Nick wants to bash him over the head. “Yeah. His name’s Louis Tomlinson.”

Harry laughs. He actually laughs. “Seriously, tell me about him, how long have you been seeing him?”

“Haz, listen, I need you to understand, why I came all the way to LA to invite you to a barbecue. I had a party, I invited Louis. Your Louis, Louis Tomlinson, from One Direction. We ended up kissing and, we’ve been together ever since.”

Harry still looks baffled. He bites his lip. “This is you making a joke, yeah?”

“No Haz! We’re together, me and Louis, since...for ages, since the start of the year really. We’re like...we’re in love, it’s serious.”

Harry shakes his head smiling. “Okay, sure. Do you know what, I’ll text him to congratulate him.” He picks up his phone and types and Nick just lets him. This is going **so** well. Harry reads his message. “So happy for you and your boyfriend Nick Grimshaw. Also, I just snogged him, soz not soz.”

“Oh shit, you didn’t send that did you?”

“No.”

“Thank Christ.” 

“Now I’ve sent it.”

Nick panics. “Fucking hell, he’ll fucking kill me! Tell him you didn’t really snog me, he’ll go mental.”

Harry just grins and his phone pings with a notification. “Oh, here we go…” He looks at the message and Nick watches his face fall. He sees disbelief, maybe some hurt.” “What the fuck?” Harry says softly. 

“What did he say?”

Harry passes him the phone. Louis has texted ‘ _so your ok with it? I do love him H. you coming to the barbecue?’_

Nick looks up and Harry is staring right at him. “I told you Haz, we’re together. He wanted me to tell you, that’s why I’m here.” 

“You and Louis?” 

Nick smiles. “Me and Louis.” 

Suddenly Harry’s face softens. “You lit up just then when you said that. And now you’re blushing.” 

Nick giggles at that. “Yeah well...Can you please text him back because it’s making me anxious, he’ll be pacing, I can see it.” 

“Yeah, and biting his fingers.” Harry taps out something. “Dead happy for both of you, love you both so much, I’ll be there.” Harry sets down his phone on the side of the pool. “Right, now tell me everything.” 

\----------- 

‘Everything’ takes a long time. They get chilly in the pool, they move inside, Harry cooks, they eat on the patio, they cuddle in the lounge, they drink whiskey on the roof terrace, and ‘everything’ is still not done. By them time Nick has brought Harry completely up to speed they’re in Harry’s bed, snuggled under the covers. 

“I can’t wait to see him now, I’m so glad he’s happy.” Harry mutters as he half falls asleep. “Did you like...did you mention us?” 

Nick shakes his head. “He doesn’t know. He hasn’t asked, to be fair.” 

“Are you going to tell him?" 

Nick puffs out some air. “I don’t...I mean I should but, I don’t know if we could take it at the moment, we had a proper row a few weeks ago and we’re only just getting back to normal." 

“I think you tell him sooner rather than later.” 

“Yeah.” 

Nick lies staring at the ceiling and Harry starts to snore gently. Nick doesn’t know how Louis will react to being told that he and Harry slept together. A lot. In an on and off thing which Nick thought was off for good until Harry kissed him today. Louis is still insecure, still anxious. He decides to wait until after the barbecue, so that at least if Louis melts down Harry won’t have to deal with the fallout. He grabs his phone and texts Louis a goodnight. His phone buzzes almost immediately. 

_Love you, sweet dreams, love you so much x x_


	10. Sizzle

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis has decided to invite the lads round for a barbecue so they can meet Freddie, oh and find out that he's in love with another man. Easy.

“Fucking, shitting arseholes! FUCK!”

Louis wrings his burned hand as he jogs inside to run it under the tap. He makes as much noise as possible to try and elicit some sympathy from Nick who has done FUCK ALL so far to help and is an arsehole and can fuck right off. The water cools his fingers for about five seconds before they start to sting again so he leaves them under the spray until they go numb.

“What was that?” Nick strolls in like they haven’t got people coming, and that they aren’t just going to casually mention that they’re in love and oh by the way, that Louis likes boys.

“It was just my fucking life falling apart, but don’t get off instagram for God’s sake.” Louis snaps.

He feels Nick press up against him, arms circling round his waist, and suddenly some of the anger dissipates. Nick face is in Louis’s hair and he’s knocking a gentle kiss to his temple.

“Everything’ll be fine, chill out. What is there that needs doing?”

Louis sighs. He hates how Nick can calm him down like this. He loves it and he hates it. “The barbecue grill won’t go on properly, and there’s no drinks out.”

Nick takes his hand from under the tap and kisses it. “I’ll sort the barbecue out. I might use those gloves, you know the ones you said were for amateurs and not barbecue masters? You get the ice and the beers sorted, it’ll keep your boo boo cool.”

Nick pulls at him until he turns to put them face to face. “Everything’ll be fine, they’re your mates.”

“What if it’s not fine. What if they freak out?”

Nick shakes his head and counts out on his fingers, clearly having rehearsed this little speech. “One,they won’t freak out around a baby, two, Harry already knows so he’ll be on your side.Three, Liam will just go all wide eyed and say ‘oh that’s cool mate’ and give you a laddy hug. Four, Niall will do exactly the same thing.”

Louis nods. “Yeah I guess so. Let’s just tell them as they arrive, I don’t want to make a big announcement.”

“You actually said you were going to tell Liam and Niall before today, that’s why I flew out to LA for a weekend, don’t know if you remember that.”

Louis feels a little guilty for that but he had loads of stuff on and also he just didn’t want to do it. “Yeah...I just..well it doesn’t matter now. They’ll be here soon.” He wants to ask Nick another question but it sticks in his throat. ‘I’ve just snogged him, soz not soz.’ That was what Harry had texted when Nick arrived in LA. When Harry still thought he and Nick were a joke. 

Nick gives him a tight hug and a kiss on the cheek then goes out to the barbecue, looking for the ridiculous barbecue handling gloves that Louis would rather lose a hand than wear. Right on cue Freddie wakes up crying and Louis jogs upstairs to get him. 

Nick’s nursery shits on this one to be honest. Freddie hasn’t spent the night there yet but that’s something Louis really wants. Louis’ has a framed baby Doncaster kit on the pale blue walls, a smiley moon night light and Freddie’s name spelled out in light up carnival letters. It’s a bit of a mess really. But Freddie doesn’t care, he just cuddles his leopard print bear that Harry got him, and wobbles his lip as Louis scoops him up.

“Alright little lad? Are you gonna meet your uncles today?” His only Uncles who are over the age of 4 years old. Though they don’t always act like it. He glances at the baby monitor and grins “Daddy Nick’s a lazy arsehole isn’t he? Fancy letting Daddy get burned on the barbecue because he’s taking a selfie.”

There are a few moments of silence before he hears Nick coming up the stairs. 

“I knew you were eavesdropping.”

“Don’t call me a lazy arsehole in front of him, I’m already paranoid he’ll prefer Liam.” Nick smirks and reaches out for Freddie. “Come here, lovely.”

He rocks him while Louis looks on. “He’s a good baby isn’t he? He’ll go to anyone.”

“Erm, excuse me, I am not anyone! I’m…”

He hesitates and Louis fills him in. “You’re Daddy Nick. So maybe support that arm that’s hanging down and he’s drooling on your shirt by the way.”

“Doesn’t matter.” Nick says, shifting so he’s holding Freddie better. 

Louis remembers when Nick shrieked like a banshee after Pig drooled on his Dior jeans and it makes his heart flutter a little. Even if the others all leave him, even if that happens, he’ll be okay as long as he can still have this. He shakes himself and pats Nick on the shoulder. “Bring him down and put him on his playmat thing, we need to sort this bloody barbecue out.”

“It’s done, it’s lit and warming up, the grill’s on straight now I’ve fixed it. Let’s go and chill out in the garden, I’ll put the big umbrella over his mat so he won’t get sunburned.” Nick wanders downstairs telling Freddie how Daddy is such a nervous nellie and needs to relax more.

Louis follows and grabs them both a beer on the way out to the garden. The lads should be here by now, but they’re always late. He sits in one of the new deckchairs he’s bought and finally starts to relax as he sips on the chilled beer, the condensation soothing his burn. He watches as Nick kneels down to set Freddie on his playmat and angles the giant parasol so he’s in shade. Freddie bats at the cuddly lion face and the swirly thing which looks like a barber shop pole, kicking his legs and cooing as if he doesn’t have a care in the world. 

Nick pulls his deckchair close to Louis’ and starts to stroke Louis’ thigh as he take a long pull on his beer. “See? Everything’s going to plan. Are you chilled out now?”

Louis gives him a deep sigh in return and nods. “I just...want everything to go right.”

“It will, it will all be fine.”

Louis glances over at Nick, head thrown back, sunglasses on, seemingly without a care in the world. He wants nothing more than to kiss him right now, and of course it’s the perfect time for his phone to ring.

“‘Lo! Hang on, I’m coming.” Nick jumps up. “Harry’s here.”

Louis suddenly feels very sick. He decides to use the baby as a distraction technique and picks up Freddie, who grumbles at being deprived of his cuddly lion face. “Come on mate, we’re gonna meet your uncle Harry.” He looks up, and there he is. Red hawaiian shirt, sunglasses on, massive smile, arms outstretched. Louis smiles despite himself as Harry engulfs him in a hug. “Don’t squash your godson!” he says instinctively, and yeah maybe he and B will have to talk about the number of godparents he has already recruited. Harry kisses him hard on the cheek and then makes grabby hands for Freddie. 

“Come on, I want a cuddle.” Harry lifts Freddie up way too high and then swoops him way too low, making him laugh. Great, Harry has already charmed him and it’s taken 15 seconds. He holds him against his chest and smiles warmly at Louis. “Grimmy’s just getting me a drink.”

“Good. He needs to know his place.”

“I heard that, your majesty.” Nick comes loping over with a Budweiser for Harry, though Louis knows full well that he’ll switch to gin and elderflower or some shit as soon as he’s finished it. 

Harry switches Freddie to one arm so he can hold his beer. “Come on then, kiss him.”

Louis half laughs half chokes. “What?”

Harry just beams. “I can’t process this until I see it, so kiss him.” 

Louis is just shaking his head when Nick pulls him into a kiss and Louis can’t seem to not respond. It’s hot, Nick’s hot, his lips are soft and he’s holding him so tight, just like he likes it, so he gives in, and lets himself be kissed.

“Oh leave it out, already?”

Louis springs back and is horrified to see Liam and Niall walking over. He looks up at Nick who’s just laughing and releasing him from his arms to go over and hug the two new arrivals. All Louis can say is “How did you get in?”

“Door was open.” Niall says, giving Harry a hug as best he can and introducing himself to Freddie.

Louis feels like he could throw up. Then Nick’s arm is back round his shoulders, solid and re-assuring, and he relaxes. This is not how it was meant to happen, but...well, it’s happening. He puts his arm around Nick’s waist and squeezes. “Maybe don’t leave the door open on the house Nick, we don’t want any old Irish tinker or Brummie rascal getting in.”

“I’ll Tinker you, you little racist.” Niall gives him a hug and squeezes just that bit too tight. “So I’m guessing it’s true that you two are a thing then, judging by that little show.”

Louis swallows and nods. “How did you…”

Niall nods towards Harry. Of course. Harry’s been managing the situation. Louis sighs again and makes what he thinks is an apologetic face.

“I’m happy for you mate, it’s good to see you smiling. I’ve not seen you since the Brits and then you had to run off.” Liam hugs him and slaps him on the back so hard he nearly cracks Louis’ ribs.

“Yeah well he had an appointment to keep, didn’t you love?” Nick winks and Louis feels his face heat up.

Liam looks delighted. “Did you get a booty call off Grimmy? No wonder you darted off.”

The more embarrassed Louis gets the more everyone seems to enjoy it but this is all starting to get a little overwhelming. He catches Nick’s eye and sees a little of the smile fall from his face.

“Lou, come and help me with the barbecue a minute will you?” he says and waves Louis over. He looks at the lads for a reaction but they’re too busy fighting over who gets to hold Freddie next so he goes over to the barbecue and just manages to stop himself from climbing onto it. 

Nick squeezes Louis’ hand and whacks a lamb burger on the barbecue. “Are you okay?”

Louis nods. “Got thrown in the deep end a bit there didn’t I?”

“Better that way, they’ve been here five minutes, they know we’re together and they’ve seen us kissing, and now they know how long it’s been too, they know at least since the Brits. Now you can just relax.”

“It’s gonna be like this every time though, with everyone, with my family, and my other mates from Donny, and the media eventually, I’m gonna be coming out for the rest of my life.”

“You get used to it.”

Louis feels a pang of guilt. “Sorry. I know I’m moaning and you’ve been through all this already..”

Nick kisses him on the temple. “You’re not moaning, and you don’t need to apologise, it’s different for everyone. But I’ll be with you, I’ll always be with you. Just do it one step at a time.”

Louis nods. One step at a time.

\----

They eat, they drink, Briana’s mum comes to pick Freddie up at six and then the hard liquor comes out. Nick offers to show Liam and Harry Louis’ 1956 jukebox and Niall settles in a deckchair next to Louis around the firepit. Louis can feel a talk coming on, but he’s not going to be the one to start it so he just sips his jack and coke and waits.

“So...Can I ask you something?”

Here we go. Louis tries to act nonchalant and shrugs. “Yeah, anything.”

Niall looks at his whiskey glass. “Have you always been into blokes too or, is it just a recent thing?”

Louis really has to think about that. “I’m not sure. Like I know that sounds mad but I don’t really remember having crushes on blokes when I was younger. I didn’t even have a crush on Nick, it was just...we started messing around and ..I liked it, so I kept doing it.”

“How did it..start? Like I’ve never known you to hang out with him without Harry there.”

Louis laughs at the ridiculousness of it. “We were playing spin the bottle, we’d been to a party at Simon’s, then we back to Nicks and…”

Niall laughs. “Spin the bottle? How old are you Lou?”

“I kissed him twice and then after I just wanted to carry on. I don’t know, I think I was having a bit of a crisis. I felt like everyone was feeling sorry for me, breaking up with Eleanor, having a fling and then Briana getting pregnant, and I suppose, I just wanted to do something stupid. But it...I started having feelings for him, like you know, missing him, not wanting anyone else, that kind of thing.”

He looks across to Niall, who seems to be processing it. “It just kept getting more and more serious, and then like I realised…” he pauses, Niall and him don’t really talk like this. “I realised I loved him, so I freaked out a bit and...But he’s been great. And he’s great with Freddie, and I want to make it work, so that’s why I knew I had to tell you guys.”

“I’m glad you told us eventually, but you must have been going through some stuff on your own, and, you know I feel like a shit mate, really. You must have thought you couldn’t talk to me about it.”

“No, Niall, you’re not a shit mate at all, honestly I didn’t tell anyone. I thought it would be more difficult than it already was if I told everyone, and so I just kept it quiet. But you can’t do that forever.”

Niall reaches out and awkwardly pats Louis’ leg. “You know, we’ll always be mates, it doesn’t change things. I still love you.”

“I love you too. I’m glad you’re here, Ni.”

Niall lets out a breath. “Well I didn’t think I’d be having this kind of conversation, not with you anyway, I thought Harry would be the one telling me he was love with Grimmy.” 

Louis freezes and Niall frantically backtracks.

“Not that there was like, it’s just they were…”

“Did they sleep together? Honestly, did they?”

“I...I don’t know.”

Louis feels ill again. That means yes. He’d suspected. At one point Harry and Grimmy were inseparable, and when he had no more than platonic feelings for Nick he used to entertain the thought that they were fucking quite often, but Harry never said. Now the thought makes his blood run cold. I’ve just snogged him, soz not soz. That stupid text keeps preying on his mind. He doesn’t let the thought enter his head that Nick would have cheated on him with Harry, but he can believe an illicit kiss, before Harry knew. Before Nick was off limits. 

Almost on cue they come staggering back out to the garden, Nick’s arm around Harry, Liam talking ten to the dozen like he does when he’s drunk. Louis plasters a smile on, and tries not to think about the conversation he might have to have with Nick, once the others are gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe this has taken so long to update but there will be two more chapters after this and then it's done!


	11. Sleep

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Louis and Nick have to have a talk that neither of them wants.

Louis wants to wait until the daylight comes before he asks Nick the question he’s scared to ask. But then the daylight comes and they’re still up, still around the firepit, still talking, still sipping on drinks they don’t really want. The sunrise seems to indicate to all of them that maybe it’s bedtime, and the three lads all leave together, hugging both Louis and Nick, promising to do this again soon. It won’t be soon, Louis knows that, but he hopes it’s less than a year. 

Nick seems to take Louis’ quietness for tiredness and doesn’t bother him while they get changed for bed and make a half-hearted attempt at tidying. Nick still can’t work out the locking mechanism on the back doors so Louis does it and sends him up to bed. Louis lingers in the kitchen, wondering if he should just not mention Harry, whether it would be too much too soon. But then he knows himself, knows how insecure he can be. He won’t be able to give himself to Nick one hundred percent until he knows.

Nick’s in bed, shirt off, phone out, glasses on. It looks like a normal night in except there are already rays of early morning sun sneaking through the curtains. He smiles when he sees Louis and for a second Louis just wants to kiss him and never ask the question. He smiles back weakly and climbs in bed beside Nick. Louis lets out a sigh and surprises himself with how forlorn it sounds. He glances up and Nick is looking straight at him, concerned. 

“Are you alright? It went okay didn’t it? I thought it went fine.”

“It did...It went really good.”

“But….”

Louis takes a deep breath and turns towards Nick, who puts his phone and his glasses on the bedside table. Christ, Louis must look a mess if Nick’s abandoning his phone. “I just….I just wanted to ask you something, because I know you and Harry like..Had a thing.”

There’s a pregnant silence before Nick’s brow furrows and he shakes his head. “I wouldn’t call it a thing. But, well, yeah I mean, did you know? Did he tell you?”

Louis thinks he might cry if he answers, but he swallows hard and clears his throat. “He never mentioned anything but, people said, I mean I think we all thought you two were… I don’t know sleeping together for a while.”

“It wasn’t...we...yeah we did sleep together but, it all stopped over a year before you and me. And it wasn’t like, ongoing or a relationship or anything, it was just..when we were drunk we used to hook up sometimes, we only had actual sex like..twice. And it was...It was nothing like us, it was just….Hooking up. It was just sex.”

Louis nods. “And when you were went to LA, I mean ,nothing happened there did it?”

There’s too much of a pause for Louis’ liking and he looks up at Nick pleadingly.

“No! There was...well.”

“Did you cheat on me? Just say.” Louis can feel tears coming but he digs his nails hard into his palm and takes a deep breath in.

“Of course I didn’t! I would never...You know I’ve never cheated on anyone in my life don’t you? I know how it feels. It nearly wrecked me when it happened to me and I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy, let alone the love of my…”

Louis looks at Nick as he starts to crumble and suddenly he can’t even be angry anymore. He puts his arms around Nick and decides that whatever happened in LA, it doesn’t matter. He’s about to tell him so when Nick starts to gasp and reaches for the bedside table. Shit. 

“It’s not there, it’s downstairs, hang on love.” He jumps out of bed and down the stairs trying to think of where the fuck he’s seen Nick’s inhaler. He finally spots it on the kitchen table and takes the stairs two at a time getting back. “Here you are darling, it’s alright.”

Nick’s hands are shaking when Louis guides them up to his mouth and Louis doesn’t like this at all. He’s not seen Nick scared before and he does not want to make a habit of it. Nick takes two deep puffs on the inhaler and then holds his breath for what seems like ages. When he finally breathes out again Louis sighs with relief. “Are you alright, love? Do you want some water?”

Nick nods and clears his throat. “I’m alright. That’s not happened for ages.”

Louis gets a glass of water from the tap in the en suite and Nick takes it with both hands, gulping it down. “Slow down, don’t set yourself off again.”

Nick takes a shallow breath and puts the glass down. “Sorry about that. Thanks.”

“It doesn’t matter, what I asked, I don’t care. I still love you, it’s not important.”

“It matters to me though, I don’t want you to think that’s what I’m like. We just - when I got there he kissed me. Proper kissed me. Because he didn’t know. And that was it, that was all that happened, I swear. I stopped him and I told him everything, and that was when he texted you, because he didn’t believe me.”

All that rings true to Louis. Harry would never hurt him on purpose, and Nick literally flew over five thousand miles just to put Louis’ mind at rest. He feels instantly guilty. For suspecting Nick of cheating, for giving him an asthma attack, for basically being the world’s worst boyfriend. Why can he never get it right? He kisses Nick on the cheek and whispers an apology. Nick grabs him and squeezes and suddenly Louis feels like everything’s going to be alright.

“I should have told you, about hooking up with Harry. But once I was with you, I just forgot about everyone else. I don’t ever want anyone else, not ever. I love you so much, Lou. And it seems like we keep making mistakes and nearly fucking everything up, but like, I don’t know, I still think we’re gonna be alright. Because when I think about my life, you’re in it, next year, and the year after, and ten years after and ...forever. So maybe it just felt like, what’s the point in talking about someone I shagged twice when I’m with the only man I’ll ever have sex with again.”

Louis smiles. “That sounds very resigned. Sounds like you’re in sex jail.”

Nick lets him go and kisses him on the forehead. “I don’t mind being in sex jail with you, you’re well fit.”

“What about when I’m old and bald?”

“Have you seen my family? We’ll both be bald, we’ll have to spend all our money on hair transplants like Wayne Rooney.”

Louis yawns and it hits him that he’s been awake for twenty four hours. “Can we go sleep now? I’m knackered and I’ve nearly killed you.”

Nick sniggers. “Yeah, let’s try and get some sleep. At least we don’t have to do anything tomorrow. I mean, today.”

Louis settles down in bed and pulls the pillow flat beneath his head. “Mmm, except clean up.”

Nick groans and switches off the bedside lamp. “Let’s just buy a new house.”

Yeah, like that didn’t almost break us up last time, Louis almost says. Instead he snuggles up to Nick to get his five minutes of cuddling before they both inevitably get too hot and break apart. He meant what he said to Nick, he really doesn’t care about what happened with Harry, any more than he cares about anyone else who has slept with Nick. He’s the one who Nick almost called the love of his life, before he had asthma attack. He giggles to himself at the ridiculousness of it and Nick lazily tightens his grip on him. Louis closes his eyes, and feels the gentle thrum of his boyfriend’s heart under his cheek.

**Author's Note:**

> follow me on tumblr fontwanttoblerone


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